5. Addiction to Chaos and Other Coping Skills

Whattttt upppp, welcome back to episode 5 of the Consciously Unbecoming Podcast where we are getting to core of our self. 

Taking a look at all of the beliefs that have been thrust upon us and deciding, is this a belief about myself, about others, about the world, that I want or do I need to relearn this belief and see it through my own lens. 

Most of our beliefs, we didn't choose:

• They were just there. 
• Inherited from our families, our ancestors, our upbringing, the neighborhoods we grew up in, our religions, society, the states, the countries, we live in. 
  • There are so many sets of social standards within each of those things that I just mentioned. 
  • It’s uncomfortable to take our masks off that have forced us to conform to all of those societal standard.
  • For some of us, its’ so uncomfortable, we go our entire lives never truly leaning into our identities. Never truly embracing who we are. Never truly speaking out loud to the world and saying THIS IS WHO I AM. 
  • What’s worst than stepping outside of those norms, and removing the mask, is staying hidden, keeping a piece of yourself hidden, denying who you are, to fit a BS standard.
  • We get to change our minds about the direction our lives are headed. We get to course correct. We get to step back and decide who we are in the season of life we are in. There’s no set path. 

Texts from last night:

Today we are going to see where this conversation takes us but, Lisa, I wanted to touch on something we were texting about last night because I think it pertains to the ultimate theme of this episode which is addiction. 

• Energy shifts in the lunar cycle
• Setting intentions
• I am a big believer in energy. I believe the moon controls A LOT of energy. And, that when ppl mention they are setting their intentions for this full moon cycle, or the new moon cycle, it’s not some BS thing. It’s science, bebe. 

Addiction:

• Addiction to chaos
• Addiction to numbing our feelings
• Addiction to work
• Addiction to the pursuit of something, someone, MPRE
• Addiction to being better

We as a society have to DO instead of simply just being!

ENJOY,
Jess and Lisa

Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

What is up everyone? Welcome back to episode five of the consciously unbecoming podcast where we are getting to the core of ourself. It's really about taking a look at all of those beliefs that have just been thrust upon us and deciding, hey, is this a belief I want about myself or about others or the world? Do I want this? Or do I need to relearn this belief and see it through my own lens? That's consciously on becoming? I am just and this is the amazing, Lisa. It's great to be here. Thank you. She, y'all can't see us. But she looks so cute. today. She's got a little fiddle leaf. Is that a fiddly fig behind you for any plant? Yeah, it's a fig plant. I'm amazed that I've been able to keep it alive for as long as I have, because I've had them before. And they just they're like, just a little challenging to keep up. I feel like that I'm the fact that I'm still alive is a big thing. Like how have I kept myself alive? Right, right. What's interesting about our beliefs, and we've really been digging into is, a lot of them we didn't choose, they're just there. They were inherited from our family's ancestors, our upbringing, the neighborhoods, we grew up our religion, society, the states, the countries we live in, there's just they were just thrown at us. Right, please. Yeah, yeah, they're just thrown at us when and we're kind of victims of our circumstances. And now there's so many different societal standards within each of those things that I just mentioned. And it becomes really uncomfortable to take our masks off, that have forced us to conform to all of those just different societal standards. And for some of us, it's so freaking uncomfortable that we go our entire lives, never truly leaning into our identities, and never truly embracing who we are, or what we are, we never really are speaking out loud to the world saying, Hey, this is who I am. Because we're so scared. We're so uncomfortable. Right? Yes. And I don't know if you think this or not, but but for me, what's worse than stepping out of those norms and removing that mask and feeling uncomfortable? Is staying hidden? Well, I think actually, that's why we a lot of us experience the anxiety that we do, because putting on that front or that mask and not being able to really fully be our authentic self generates a lot of discomfort, a lot of anxiety. So I think that makes sense. Yeah, and, and what's Yeah, gosh, it's I can't even I couldn't even imagine, like, I know that there's a lot of things within myself that I'm, I stay stuck in. But what's fascinating to me is As we ascend spiritually, and we get more of a spiritual identity, and we dig deeper into into who we are, and we just kind of step into our own, we become so damn uncomfortable with those masks that we believe or that we wear, or the beliefs that that don't serve us that we just can't fucking take it anymore. And we either have an identity crisis, or we say, Fuck it, I'm not living my best life. And I cannot live based on someone else's standards a minute longer. Right. And as you say that I just sort of think that must be really what like a midlife crisis is. I mean, if you reach that point, and you're still kind of living within that fake belief system on that false belief system, right? But I'll tell you what, it's fucking damn liberating when you finally take it off, and you just decide that you're going to live your life for yourself and not give a flying fuck what other people think. Pretty fucking cool. We are just fucking it all today, but I really do today. I'm saying fuck it. I admire I truly admire people that do this. And I even admire myself because I've done this. And I'm currently doing this and going through this. And I think it's really admirable to step back and say, I don't want to live life by anyone else's standards. I want to choose my own beliefs and what I think about myself in the world, and I think about and I wanted to go back real real quick, because you mentioned that that anxiety that we feel, it's I think of it as like a Venn diagram, you know, the two circles. That's a Venn diagram, right? Yeah. Yeah, the two circles and then they kind of like, intermingle. And then there's that sweet spot in the middle. Yeah, sure. So I think about, you know, on one side of the Venn diagram, you have the identity that you put out into the world that people see of you and the other side, you have just this internal identity. And then the middle is when like the meshing of the two kind of comes together. And I just think that you are so spot on is when we are not living according to our own rules or our own belief systems. That's when the anxiety happens. That's when the identity crisis kicks in. And we just feel so uncomfortable. Yeah, because we're living for other people. We're not living for ourselves. I think when I think about this, I think specifically about, actually, I have a couple of friends that are going through this, but in my mind, the friend that I know really well, so she's mid 30s. She has two amazing kids. She's a business owner. She's married to assist man and has always identified as bisexual. I mean, the first time she ever came over to my house, she had on freakin rainbow tennis shoes. I love her. But her life, her life, for the most part has really been what she thought it was going to be. But something for a while, had just been shifting inside her that she just couldn't stand it anymore, and stepped into her full power and identity and recently came out as a lesbian. Now, granted, she still has a self journey ahead of her and she's digging deep and learning and understanding what the implications of all of that, but the courage to say, This is who I fucking am, like, like me, or leave me holy like that. Wow, that's incredible to me. And I'm glad for them. Think about all the people that are living this this life as it pertains to gender or sexuality or whatever. And they're just sitting there quietly, not wanting to say anything out loud, because they're afraid of the repercussions of the people around them or how they might be perceived. Yeah, and I got, I was just gonna say it would feel like an intense amount of pressure. It is. Yeah, and I didn't think about my own self just like digging into some of the challenges that I face or the beliefs that I'm trying to overcome. And it's, it's a hard step in the direction of making a change, because I second guessed myself and think, Well, is this really what I want? Or am I you know, Where's this coming from? And I overanalyze it until I just paralyze myself and don't move. Yeah, I have a tendency to do that. Probably a lot of people can do that. I just, you know, I think about I think about my friend often. And I just think And today when I was meditating, I was specifically thinking about her. When my brain was supposed to be clear. I was trying to clear my brain. But we get to course correct in life, we get to step back, and we get to decide who we are in the season of life. And if we don't like it, we can change it. But there really is no set path. Yeah, yeah, I remember I came across a quote, I not even to try to say it in French. But it's right now to me now, not even, I can't even but, but basically an English it's never too late to be who you want to be. And I saw this, I saw like, a poster or like a print somewhere. And it had the visually it was like a bunch of black butterflies with these like strings attached. And I always thought, I don't know why it's it's so burnt in my brain. And I put it on my cell phone to always remind myself of that. And this was like 15 years ago, where I wasn't in a place that I wanted to be. And I knew that. And I started to really get hyper focused on my age. And I thought, Well, fuck, like, Here I am, then at 30. And this is not where I am. This is not what I saw for myself, I thought I'd be doing something bigger, different, greater, whatever. But anyway, that just that little, quote, for whatever reason, gave me some sort of permission to change the trajectory of my life. So I'd say say the quote again. It's never too late to be what you want to be. That's similar. There's an F. Scott Fitzgerald, quote, similar to right. Yeah. Have you seen that, but I think I see an interest all the time. So then tell me that. So tell me the significance behind the butterflies with the strings on and what does that mean to you? I, you know, I It's funny, because I didn't necessarily think of the symbolism at the time. But I just, if I think about it now, I mean, a butterfly is supposed to be free, right? It's like, it's the embodiment of a soul or spirit or a Bing that's gone through the entire metamorphosis process there. You know what I mean? And but they're being held back by this string, they're being held down, and that's just not the way that they're meant to, to live. So those strings need to be cut or you know what I mean, untied, or untethered. untethered. Yes. So that's really interesting. I wrote in my notes that I have This episode, just to kind of briefly talk about the texts from last night, like the novel of a text that I sent you. Yeah. Because obviously there's we always are looking to see where the conversations between Lisa and myself go on these podcasts. But, you know, I wanted to touch on something from last night because I think it really pertains to that the ultimate theme of this episode, which is addiction. Yeah, yeah. So do you. So I texted you to pull some tarot cards for me. And I didn't necessarily tell you why. Because I didn't want that to like muddy what you were. I had no idea what you were asking about. And I didn't intentionally I didn't ask either. Yeah, it just I love it. I love when you're like with people that just get you and they don't ask questions, and they just, like, indulge your your weird questions. So anyways, so then you pull the tarot cards, and naturally, they were so spot on. And then I filled you in on what was going on internally. Do you want to talk a little bit about what I had texted you like? Like how you received what I was texting you? Oh, I'm trying to remember. I mean, basically, you just asked to, for me to pull a few cards, in the very basic question is, what do you need to know? Right? So that's all I went on. I mean, I went on more than that. And what's what's interesting is, so yesterday, I had this like feeling of just unrest, like this, it was like, there was something going on internally, energetically, where I just kept seeing this, like, black blob of just freeform energy that just seemed really fucking angry, and it was tangled up. And I just felt it in my chest. And I'm like this, this thing is trying to get the fuck out of me, but can't. And it was just like, I'm like, I could feel it. And I started to get like, kind of panicky and my chest, I'm like, What is going on? So I'm gonna, instead of dealing with this, I'm gonna do my good old fashioned avoidance, avoidance technique and go to bed. So I took a quick nap. I woke up, I still felt it, and felt like holy shit, what? What is this? I feel there's something inside me that feels trapped. And it just couldn't get out. I'm a big believer in energy, as are you. And I do believe that the moon controls a lot of energy. And when people mentioned that they're setting their intentions for this full moon cycle or the new moon cycle. It's not some bullshit. It's actually science baby. Because the moon has a shit ton of energy. And it's it gracefully moves through its cycles, and then it takes in transmutes different levels, and different frequencies of energy. Right? Am I for the most part, you know a lot about energy stuff? Yeah, no, I think even considering the example that the moon has this power of like affecting the tides, right? has the ability to sort of affect the tides, the water? If we're made up of what 70% water or whatever, I don't know, the actual percentage off the top of my head, then you can't, it's hard to like imagine that somehow you're we're not impacted or somehow affected by those same moon cycles. So absolutely. Well, and then so the moon has this, these different levels of energy in different frequencies with depending on where they are in the cycle. And then that energy creates this ideal, these ideal environments for different energetic shifts within us just like what you said, with the tides. So for example, most people when there's a full moon, or we know that it's notoriously a good time to release to release things that no longer serve us. And I remember yesterday when we were texting, I told you, I had set this intention for the full moon back in October, to release a lot of negative energy and pain and grief and anger, everything negative associated with my sexual assault. Yeah, so when you pull those cards and what you were telling me, I was like, Oh, my God, she doesn't even know like, she doesn't even know what my intentions were. And then I also set the intention to release old wounds and pain, from childhood, any energetic blocks, karmic debts, ancestral trauma, anything that was really blocking my abundance and prosperity and my manifestations to come to fruition. And so, it dawned on me as we were texting. I'm like, Holy shit, I'm releasing a bunch of energy. This was literally my intention. Yes. And it's happening because then I looked down at my lunar calendar, because yes, I have a lunar calendar, and so does Lisa. I looked down like, oh, there's a full moon tonight or a new moon tonight. Yes. So I just I think it's interesting and kind of lead us into what we're going to be talking about when it it that really long ass anecdote about addiction. And I know Lisa, like you want to kick us off and kind of talk a little bit about addiction. Yeah, Let's talk about it. Um, I, like I was telling you earlier, I don't even necessarily want to get into things in a very clinical matte manner. I'm not an addiction specialist, even though like, obviously, when you go through the training for counseling or therapy, that's that's part of it. But that's not my specialty. And I, but it's interesting, because I do see a lot of people as a therapist who are in recovery. And usually I'll tell people, well, I want to make sure that you're whether I'm usually making sure somebody else is getting support around addiction also, and obviously, then we do therapy, and it always is a big part of our discussions and conversations. But for me, personally, addiction is always just sort of been, it's been more of like, I hold it dear to my heart, let's just say that, you know, and growing up, and obviously, I, you know, I have not spoken to my family about bringing these topics up at all. So I want to be mindful of that. But I grew up in households where there was addiction, alcohol addiction, it's run through my family through my ancestry. And so and I've had my own personal experiences, what episode four maybe or three, we talked about sexual assault. I mean, that's really, I think, the coping mechanism, I used to kind of like, suppress whatever emotional stuff that needed to come out or to be worked through and process. So I've like dealt with some addictions stuff in my own life at different points. I've had partners who have struggled with it, friends. So you know, I've seen it from all these different standpoints, but the interesting thing is talking about it, like, a lot of us jumped to the conclusion when we hear the word addiction that we're talking about substances. But the truth of the matter is, we are all addicted to somebody, or something we are living in an addictive society. And it's as simple as things like I mean, you can be addicted to things you think are so healthy for you, right? But we want to get to, you can be addicted to exercise. You can be addicted to spirituality, You can be addicted to religion, You can be addicted to meditation, you could be addicted to sex, you could be addicted to shopping, I mean, the list goes on and on. And many, many of us are addicted to our cell phones, or electronics or just fucking checking out because that's really what all these things do. It's just a way for us to check out I feel personally attacked right now. Like, we're all guilty of it, right? Um, so yeah, I guess I could go on and on. But I want to stop for a second and just check in with you and see like what you're thinking, I love that you tied in addiction to not just extrinsic factors. Because addiction is not extrinsic, it's an internal thing totally. And, and what happens is when we are addicted to, and again, I'm not an addiction specialist, by any means, but when we are addicted to things, what happens just on a biological level, is your central nervous system is suppressed. So let's just take alcohol and drugs or, yeah, let's just take alcohol and drugs for a second, you have an emotional reaction to something you don't want to have, you don't want to feel that anymore. So you have a drink or you know, you smoke a joint or you take some other form of drug, you know, whatever drugs you're into, even though I don't think weed is a drug, but whatever, I digress, but you take whatever it is external thing to, to make an internal issue feel numb. So then your central nervous system is suppressed. And in that moment, what you were accomplishing and what you were setting up, excuse me, what you were setting out to accomplish was accomplished. You wanted to avoid that feeling. And I mean, I just talked about it earlier, I don't love feeling my feelings. And I sometimes when I'm feeling really overwhelming feelings, I just fucking go to bed. Like I don't want to deal with this. And that's not a bad thing. It's, you know, but there's some times where it's like, if you just sit in it, just sit in that feeling just for a minute and it'll probably go away or you'll you'll get to the core quicker than if you just keep fucking avoiding it. But whatever when you write, because it's true, it feels so uncomfortable. But really those things come through and waves. Feelings come through in waves and so if you can ride it out and you can breathe through it and you can let it you can let it come up rise and then leave you you know what I mean? But there is so there really is so much to it. I was recently listening to see I don't know if I should either The references because I can't even remember who was talking about it, but it was about addiction. And it talked about as children, this is very much in alignment with a lot of things that I talked about, but this person really summed it up well. So, you know, as children, what are we looking for this is kind of in alignment with the three A's that you had talked about last week, right? But we're all we're seeking connection. And we're seeking authenticity within ourselves, right? To be our authentic self. And as children, there's a point where those two things will have conflict, right. So you want a connection, we want to feel attachment to a family member, a parent, right. But we also want to be your authentic self. But if we're our authentic self, sometimes, especially when those things don't look pretty. Our family or parent has a reaction to that. And then we're in a position where we have to choose one or the other. And most of us will choose the attachment as we don't want to lose that connection to the parents. So then we start pushing away these authentic pieces and parts of ourselves. Does that make sense? Oh, yeah, I mean, I think as you I just had a major revelation as it's something I know about myself. But, you know, when I wrote a post the other day on Instagram about how I don't, I'm not necessarily as emotionally open as I think I am. I make space for other people and let that and they're very open and vulnerable to me. But I think for me, one of the reasons I'm not emotionally open, is because I'm afraid that if I'm truly my, like, dark self, and I show them that pretty parts of me, then people are gonna be like, Fuck this, like, this is too much of a burden to hold, I can't, and I don't really need anyone to hold it. I just need some people to sit with me in it and to just kind of empathize with me. But I'm just afraid. So I choose the attachment over authenticity. Right? By not by avoiding truly what I'm thinking and feeling. Yeah. And I wonder like, does that, you know, then, does that exemplify? I guess, like, the addiction, what that feeds within us, right? Because it does make us feel some somehow attached to something, not a person, per se, but it's accepting us for who we are. So we, most of us, let's say it gives us a good feeling. It's like a rise in endorphins, or whatever the feeling is that we get from it. And it's not necessarily judging us. So you can sort of see why that feels like a coping skill. Not that we're thinking about it in that way when we're doing it. But it gives you maybe the feeling of getting both things. And we have to learn that because there's things that that's this is exactly one of the things that I'm working to consciously on become is my addiction to chaos. Right, there's that that I remember being so pissed off at my therapist about five years ago, when she looked me dead in the eye and said, Hey, do you realize you're addicted to chaos? Am I Shut up? Shut up, right? Tell me more. I bet it really was. I was pissed off at first because and usually if something makes us mad, and that defensive, then there's really, yeah, you shut down. Yeah. Louder. But then it's awesome. Oh, God, good. Oh, I was saying like, a lot of times we get super defensive when we hear things like that, even if they're a truth. I think even more even more of their truth, we get defensive and that's ready. We're not ready to accept that and like you don't know me, but but I thought about it. And you know, she she really kind of started pointing out all of these things. And a lot of my behaviors and my thought patterns were fueled by this need to constantly have things in my life that were in flux. And it was almost like to experience this predictably unpredictable chaos. Like I knew that chaos was comfortable to me because I had always lived in it. I always that is what was most I guess, comforting to me. As a child growing up in a sometimes kind of fucked up household. Yeah, with kind of fucked up parents at times. Right. And that just became comfortable to me. But I think it's it's interesting that this that we live in a culture where it's this extreme theme. So this extreme theme has Say that five times fast. This extreme theme has become a thing that's my our new album has become this norm and people are just increasingly I say people and myself are just seduced. into believing that intensity equals being alive. Yes. And when the when that happens, the mind just becomes wired for drama and the soul is starting to feel starved of that meaningful purpose. Yeah, so we don't have we don't have the drama, we don't have the fireworks or, or whatever or nothing is in flux. Our soul is like, hey, what's, what's the purpose of this? And then we start like having this like, I call it, what do I call it, like this existential crisis of self. Because that type of life, it does produce heart pounding, excitement, and all of these things, but it's this absence of this addictive energy that really can bring that withdrawal stage of having fear. And for me, it's a restlessness that is unbearable. Right? Yeah, I think your example is a good one too, because I really believe that really, the gateway drugs, quote, unquote, to addiction is trauma. It's, it's rooted in trauma, ultimately, that's why we typically become addicted to whatever it is, like, at different points in our life. And so it's like you can, let's say, if you're a person who uses alcohol, to check out, um, now you can, like, work on not drinking, you can not drink, you can get to that place where you no longer use alcohol. But typically, the addiction is just going to morph into something else, it's going to become something else, because you're not getting to the root cause of the root problem of whatever is creating or causing the issue, if that makes sense. Yeah. And I think I think just an example, because I love speaking in metaphor. And illustrating points is like, you go to the dentist, and you have, like, you're like, you've got a cavity. Right? And they tell you, we got to stop eating candy, like, okay, fine, done, and you stop eating candy, the cavity doesn't just go away, it's still gonna get, it's gonna get worse. And then all of a sudden, your route is exposed, and it really sucks. And so you're like, Well, I'm going to. So the way I'm saying that is, when what is so scary for a lot of us is if we step back, and we take that addiction away, whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex shopping, for me chaos, I sometimes self sabotage, whatever that is, when we take that off. We are just an exposed route, in and out. And, yeah, like anything that touches that root is going to shake the equilibrium that is there, and it's gonna fuck and hurt. Because we have nothing to numb it. Yes. I don't know if that was a good analogy, but it felt it was. I don't know where they came from. But I really Yeah, I like it. I know. Like, I'm kind of impressed with myself right now. But, um, but this, this without read, though, God, the restlessness. Like, for me, it's, it's a restlessness of I can't even I can't even really explain it, it's a feeling of more of something else. What else? What is there, gonna always on this, like, this journey, this path, which is a good thing, but it's also like, it's a, it's chaos. And I find when one aspect of my life is good, that focus then shifts on to a different aspect and pick it apart, find all the flaws with it, and just fucking per separate on that. So if something has 50 indicators of why it's a good choice, and it's going well, and I have 48, or the 50, I'm going to focus on those two things that are wrong with it, and it's going to be all consuming. Yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking, as we're talking, I have an addiction to thinking. Can you I can, I can see that. And I really, yeah, oh my god, I have such an addiction to thinking or filling my brain kind of, no, I don't label it as garbage. But, um, you know, whether it's listening to podcasts, listening to speakers, talk about different types, like I'm always, I also have this thing where I can't, I can't I'm not always comfortable with silence. And sometimes I'll challenge myself when I'm in my car. I'm like, Lisa, just sit in the car quietly. You don't need to be listening to some talk, TED Talk. And you don't need to be listening to the radio. So I'll see how long I can go. Before I start fucking with a radio and I'm like, It's only been like 30 seconds and then like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep beep trying to find the best song. Yeah, so that's like for me, the only way I can really kind of work through that is if I intentionally get into the practice of meditation, knowing and accepting the fact that thoughts are going to come through it's just a matter of Not allowing them to take charge, or take control of my brain or my mind, and then to not judge the thoughts, you know what I mean? But the kicker, I had this huge realization last week that I have an addiction to thinking about a specific thing in my life. So I realized that so much time has passed regarding the situation that happened over a year ago. And somehow, I'm still giving it so much energy. And it's just a waste of my time, a waste of my energy. The past is the past no longer exists. Like, why am I caught in this loop? So I sort of like calculated how much time it had been. And I was like, fuck, I'm going to meditate every day for 17 months. Because if I can think about things for 17 months straight, then I can certainly make time for meditation. So now I'm on day 11, which I go through periods with meditation, we're all meditate for three months straight, but then something happens and I fall off the map. Yep. So I was my shamanism, like with the with journeying in shamanism. We'll talk about that at a later date, y'all. But why do you I mean, just and you don't don't You don't have to go to detail because I understand the situation. But yeah, why do you think it's still? Why do you think it still comes out? Like why do you think it's still consumed your thoughts or just anything? Like any issue that we have? Why does it consume our thoughts when we say? Well, that's a good question. I mean, I could, in regard to my situation, it's unresolved, it feels unresolved. To me, I think that if there was some sort of closure, then I probably wouldn't, it wouldn't come up maybe as much, maybe I'd have an easier time putting the whole thing to better to rest. But because it feels so unresolved. It's been hard for me to just completely like, I don't obsess about it the way I did in the very beginning for the first like four or five months, but it's still there. And I'm aware that it's there. I'm just choosing now to bring my attention or focus on to something else, something that's good for me something that's better for me. Yeah. And do you think I just a probe a little bit further with that? Do you think also it goes back to what's unresolved isn't necessarily the closure of the situation. But the shadow within yourself that you have not dealt with? That just seemed to rear its head during that time? Yeah. Just something to think about? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I think that it's hard. Yeah. I'll don't answer I just think on hard because I Yeah, it's not it's not anything that I'm up for, personally speaking about. Yes, I agree. I think I think you're right, that it has a lot to do with the shadow self and the unresolved things within us, more so than the external world, even though we that's what our brain does, we want to always be considering, like, what's happening out here. When really, it's about what's going on in here that I can't seem to release and let go of this thing. This addiction this person this way, it could be anything. Oh, that's yeah. Oh, I feel that hard. And I, one of my intentions that I sat last night with the the new moon, New Moon is I want my I want to be present. I'm so sick and tired of thinking I'm so I'm so sick and tired of being in this moment, this happy moment and waiting for the other other shooter drop or waiting for something bad to happen, or, or thinking and analyzing all of these things. Like I just want to be present in a lot of aspects of my life. And to just see the moment for exactly what it is. And just just feel and just feeling things. And just being as happy as I can for as long as I can until I'm not and when I'm not reevaluating by and making decisions. Yeah, it can be that easy. But that's so difficult. So difficult. Well, you've got me thinking, there's two things that I want to like talk about one, mindfulness, how can you use that to your advantage or why is it helpful? Why is it good, right? And the other word that keeps coming up for me is compassion. And we've talked about this in other podcasts but the importance of compassion with our for ourselves. Also, because we started by talking about addiction, and I do think that's like typically like the first roadblock for people is that we have so much shame and we have so much judgment on ourselves. But if you think about it, let's say you had something that you were doing, or something, maybe they have a lot of judgment for yourself about, you go speak to a therapist about it. Now, if that therapist responded to you, and the way that you respond yourself, you'd be like, fuck this woman and or man. Fuck them, I don't trust them, and I am coming back. So if you think about it, you're doing that to yourself, every single time you judge yourself and you, you judge yourself in a situation like you think. So it's kind of like, I think it's like one of the first things that we need to do before working through anything is to recognize and acknowledge that judgment, and allow ourselves to be compassionate with ourselves and to let that go. Because if we can't let it go, and we can't have compassion for who, who we are now, what we didn't know back then that we know in this moment, then it makes it a little bit harder for us to move through things. Man, this is such a good conversation. I know I'm having the conversation, but it's so good. I'm just having all these aha moments about myself too. But when a lot of us are so used to not having feelings, we're so used to living in that numb state that we don't even know how to feel anymore. And I, one of my I can, when I'm sensing myself going into this state where I just not feeling much. I go back to what are the physical sensations that I'm feeling currently? Well, right now I'm sitting in a chair. So there's the pressure of the chair of my booty, it's a little bit cold in here I can feel so I look for those physical sensations, and remind myself that's what feelings are. Yes, we have to like wear because our feelings are going to manifest somewhere in our body. Oh, where are we, and when we become like anxious or obsessive about something, or we're all up in our thoughts. And all of our energy just exists up here. And we completely disconnect with our bodies. Like I was just talking to a woman in therapy yesterday, who's had crazy stressful stuff going on at work, and she's not eating throughout the day. And then when she leaves, she's still not hungry. And I was like, well, maybe just maybe it's because you're so disconnected from your body, that you're not even paying attention to the messages that your body's trying to convey to you. Because you're so up here. But if you can take the time to reground feel every part of your body all the way from your toes up to your feet, one by one, even checking in with your stomach to see what might feel there. One, it's just it's it's a really great way to bring all your energy down, but to Yeah, to be able to be paying attention to like, what, what your body is saying to you through that too. Yeah, that goes back to yesterday when I was feeling that that sense of that trapped big blob of black energy. And me, and I told you like usually when I a guy, I'm a big believer in visualization, I do believe that you can visualize the beautiful energy coming into you. And breathing it out. Just breathing that energy out and visualize it leaving your body and I do that a lot. But I was driving in my car. And I just started screaming like intentionally screaming, which is not something that I typically do. I'm more of a, we can unpack that one. But I'm like, Don't rock the boat. Don't yell don't cause conflict, because of what I grew up with. So just the screaming in my car felt so uncomfortable to me. And then it didn't and then it felt so good. And then sometimes the screams were like low, like just low. Almost like I can't like Earth like, what's the word I'm looking for? Like? Animalistic, like low. And then all of a sudden, it was like this white energy that I was breathing out that was fading into black and I knew that I got rid of whatever I needed to get rid of. But if I wasn't paying attention to the feelings in my chest and in my stomach, I would have had no idea that there was something trapped there. Yeah, yes. And um, oh, go ahead. No, you go. No, go go. No, I will. So I think yes, it's interesting that it was in the chest. Right. But you didn't tell me you didn't tell me what exactly you were even thinking about. You just kind of told me where it was in where you feel things in your body is so important because it tells you so much about what's really going on for you. And it's all in relation to chakras, where you feel things in your body and also the You aren't feeling with the absence of feeling in different parts of your body. I think we also talk a lot about that too. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. There was another thing that you said that I wanted to, Oh, you made me think of okay. So when I was giving birth, getting ready to give birth to my son, I did like a hypno birth class. And I remember this woman saying, like, when you're making any sort of sounds, and you're breathing, and you're going through labor, to try not to allow your voice to go really high pitched, like in screaming, but to like, keep your voice is like really low? Because actually, your pain increases when you allow your voice. Right, because you're feeding the energy. Yeah. Yeah. So just like the the fact that through that process in your car, like you noticed that your voice went low or more primal or whatever, because that's actually like a healthier way, or a more effective way to work that out of your body. Oh, yeah, man. Well, we're getting close to our time. But I think one of one of the things I wanted to hit on too is like, there's an addiction to work. I see this with a lot of entrepreneurs and business people that I've coached throughout my, my career as just these these entrepreneurs often are addicted to chaos, they're often addicted to work, and their business life revolves around their email, they can't step away. And then they strangely feel proud of how little time they have and just how like, fucking crazy they are all the time. So that's another one that I see. That's just Yeah, I don't even know why we didn't talk about it earlier. Like, it's a really good example. Yeah, just of what that because I mean, not even to get too deep into this topic as we're wrapping up. But how much of our identity is then woven into that addiction, because we see ourselves as our work. And then also to just that addiction to the chase, or the pursuit of something more of something better of someone better of being better of doing more, having more of being more. And where we get stuck as a society is a we're a society of people that do instead of simply just being boys having to do something, never just being Yes. But there's, there's no moral code that we have to achieve something. There's no moral code that every day has to be this like, groundbreaking earth shattering, amazing day. Sometimes we just need to be. And I think that's one of the things that I'm working heavily on with this, this new cycle is because I just want to have that the presence, I want the ability to be present the ability to be patient and trust in the universe, and I have an addiction to control. I want to control things that are beyond my control. And so being patient and just simply being in the moment. Yes, well, that's the sweet spot. Because if we can really fully be present and in the moment, then we're not going to experience depression, that's all related to your past. And we're not going to experience anxiety, because that's all anticipation for your future. So getting into the practice of being fully present in the moment, even if you're only doing it two minutes a day, and then you learn how to expand on that. That's part of the healing process and learning how to release either angle the past or the future. Yeah, yeah, it makes sense. Well, and just a couple of last little notes, and I want you to add in here to Lisa. But if you are experiencing just your your becoming aware of your body and where you're storing energy, or where you're not storing energy and things are closed up. One of the things that I think is a really great way to become aware of that is just to sit down in meditation or late lie down whatever works for you. And just imagine your body like this black energy or whatever color you see, just floating in your body. And then I just want you to with every exhale, just blow a little bit of that black energy out, inhale a little bit of that white energy. And keep doing that until wherever room you're in. It's just filled this beautiful white energy. And that is a really good way to kind of understand and release some of the shit that we keep. And then also when we say things like grounding, it really is important to be grounded to the earth energy that we have. And so one of the things that I like to do is just what I said like understand being aware of the physical senses that I'm feeling right now. That's even if you want to get specific, the thing that I'm feeling right now is the, like that line on my sock at my toes. Like that's, it's like so just like having those, those those different feelings to just get back into the moment or I love the one my therapist said is just look around the room and start naming things, five things, there's my purse, there's my green, whatever, there's a lamp, I love lamp. Anything else to add to kind of help with that? Yeah, I'll just leave with another example of something that you can do to release energy or to release anxiety release stress is whatever it is that like, you find yourself picking up throughout the day, I have a tendency to take a lot of showers but because for me, it's very healing. And so after a really long day of work, I'll go home again in the shower. And I will visually imagine all this energy this I'll picture it as colors, but just this black inky type stuff that's just kind of oozing out of my pores and off my body and I imagination intersect the visually I watch it going down the drain, I just watch it pouring off of me and then when like there's no more to come out or there's no more coming through. Then I imagine that the water over my head is actually white light and it's fully regenerating my energy field and I come out of the shower and I feel I feel like a new being so yeah, I love that I love to give thanks to the elements like even if I'm in the shower just like thank you spirit of love water or I feel a breeze go by and I think you know the air or the elements or you know, we're feeling the fire thinking and so that's another way I like to stay grounded but this has been such a like I needed a glass of wine, which no I'm not going to I'm not going to have a glass right I'm gonna sit in these feelings that I'm feeling I'm going to journal because a lot of stuff came up for me today that I want to explore a little bit deeper and and thank you for bringing that out of me today. Lisa castings for doing the same for me so well. We are glad that you spent the time with us today and we can't wait to join you again on episode six. And we will talk very soon everybody have a really great day. Take care bye now. Thanks bye