4. Negative Inner Voice and Self-Esteem

Hi-ya, friendly reminder - you have everything in you to weather any storm! 

• Today we are talking about self-esteem and where our inner critic comes from. 
• We dig into the top 4 areas our inner critic shows up/comes from.
• We chat about "shielding" and protecting our selves from external criticism.

Enjoy! 

With love,
Jess and Lisa

Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

Hello, welcome back to episode four of consciously unbecoming. I'm Jess. And I'm Lisa, we are really glad you are here. And we're going to be digging into some shit today. Ready? So let's do it. Let's just jump right in. So we've been talking a lot about beliefs. And that's something that we're going to constantly talk about, because it's just it makes up so much of who we are. But I think it's really it's, it's interesting to understand where those negative inner voices come into play and where they come from, and, and how it helps us or I guess it doesn't help us show up in the world. And I think when we see our beliefs in action in the world, like wait, we form this belief, how it may be like really freakin crazy, or obscure, or it might be just pretty basic, but we see this belief in action in the world, so that something will happen, the event will take place, let's and we take our mask off to really, we take that mask out that we've been putting on and we just kind of sit with the situation. But then that event happens. And we're criticized the minute that we take our mask off. And then we start internalizing, okay, well, you know what, I guess I guess I'm not good enough as my authentic self, almost put that back on. Just it's, it's interesting, because in I feel like I'm just experiencing this or did with just the last podcast that we just recorded, because sometimes the criticism comes from an external place or person. But sometimes we're the first to criticize, because we took the mask off. And so I was just saying to Jess, in response to the last podcast, we did, because for me, it was like, Whoa, shit. Like, I just exposed something about myself that very little people know about me, I haven't really talked about certain experiences in my life. And when I do, and actually, every time we record one of these podcasts, I feel very exposed. Because for me, part of like, you know, in talking about the mask, or the messages, we internalize, I've always kept to myself, I keep my stuff to myself, I keep it coming close to my heart, I learned to work through my problems myself, my stuff myself. And so to any platform, or within a group of people, or a lot of people, that is very uncomfortable for me, you know that now, as you're getting to know me better to like, it's a very uncomfortable place. And I'm the first one to criticize myself within it. So I'm just going to be a little bold and brave, and just just allow myself to feel the vulnerability. So yeah. And so you took I mean, this is great. This is a real world example of what we are talking about. So in the last episode, we got pretty real about some, some traumas that have happened to us. And so you took your mask off, and you shared some details about that experience. And now you're criticizing yourself because you're afraid and correct me if I'm wrong, you're afraid or you're you're wondering how people are going to receive that information. I think that's it. Yeah. Especially people who are close to me or family that doesn't even know those experiences. And maybe if they choose to listen to this podcast, I'm like, well, here's your first, you know, your first exposure to kind of some things that I have experienced and have been kind of living with up to this point. So yeah, I don't know, it feels very uncomfortable, but it's okay. I mean, I think part of this obviously, we're doing this podcast to support and help others in their own healing journey. But I guess I just want to put it out there that it's also I think, it's it's healing for us too, as we talk about the things that we've experienced, too. So I 3,000% agree with that. And, and it's hard for I talked about how it's hard for me to just say my feelings as I'm feeling them and not filter them 3000 times as you know, part of that comes from a childhood belief of if if I say when I'm feeling it might rock the boat, and then my parents will get into another fight. And then I feel like it's my fault. So I'm just I bottle it and deal with it internally and go inward. And then I don't let anybody in to see that. And so I am right there with you. And but yeah, so you took your mask off, I took my mask off and then we you know, we may or may not get criticized We may or may not get criticized for what what we said or how we feel. But let's just say take the mask off, we get criticized or you listener, take your mask off about something, and you get criticized once and then twice, by the third time you receive that criticism, that becomes a belief. There's evidence support scientific evidence, that that is able to take a look at our brains and understand all these things and things that are way beyond my comprehension, that essentially say that by the third time that our brain has found the evidence to support what we think to be true, it becomes a belief. And what's interesting is, Don't you find it a lot easier to see yellow cars when you're thinking about yellow cars. Yeah, so it's so easily our thoughts can become our reality which become our beliefs. There is a book did you and I talk about that book? I don't Danny deja vu. But I feel no, we have many. Not like you and I together aside from the podcast, we talk about e squared. Yes. And look around. Yes. And you were talking about how in Vermont, there's like tons of orange Subarus. Yeah, at some point, I probably didn't say that. But that book actually is, it's, it's a great book, it's basically filled with experiments. So in case you sort of want to explore this whole believe thing, and, and how you can sort of generate or create or manifest things in your life that you want, that you'd like to bring in that book is a great way to just sort of test the waters and test your own power, let's say. So, yeah, I know, you mentioned the yellow cars. And I know that the example I used when I did that book, I got read back late. And then I remember after we had the conversation, because it was in your office, and like I never see orange Subarus. And then I saw like a, you know, fuck ton of Julian. Or, or in Vermont here. There's a lot of like flesh colored Drax. I don't understand that. So then what either. So what's interesting is when we take our mask off, and then we are criticized, and then it becomes solidified as a belief within our brain, there's like something that actually happens within our brain that then creates different neural pathways and bundles, and all these things that I won't geek out too much about that actually happen. And what's what's interesting about this is, so when your brain to get comes and says, Hey, I think this should be a belief of mine. Now, I'm going to look for evidence in this external world to support this essentially, theory that we've come up with, but your brain is going to want to solidify that as a belief as soon as possible, because the brain's core function is to keep you safe. So it's going to look at that evidence, like a frickin madman. And that woman. Yeah. And and it does that. So it's looking for data input evidence, anything that is going to say, either prove or disprove that belief. Yes. And it's not intended to be self sabotaging. It's it really is that it's trying to keep you safe. That's ultimately what the goal is. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. So let's, let's talk about the inner voice, the inner voice that we have, because our negative, I would say, our negative and our positive inner voice stems from our beliefs. Yes, yeah. Really, our self esteem stems from from those beliefs? And what are your thoughts on just kind of that inner critic? Um, I just think that sometimes the inner critic is far louder than any criticism that you can receive from another person. You know what I mean? And so I think our fears are often based on our own criticisms, do you know what I mean? And, and they weren't, they weren't initially ours, they kind of come from that place of childhood, typically, or somewhere along the line earlier on. It's a criticism received. And maybe it's along the lines of what you're saying, like you hear something three times and then it becomes a belief. So it came from somewhere. Sometimes the work is just unpacking well, where the hell did that voice come from? Because it's not my own. That's not my authentic self. That's not my truth. That's something that someone said to me, and multiple people said to me at some point that I decided that must be true. Well, yeah, and it's I mean, so for this example of when we were talking about how uncomfortable sometimes it feels after this podcast after we really you know, download, and we've I call it a vulnerability hangover. When you're just like, you're wondering how the world is going to receive what you just put in into it. And the interesting fates to 22 By the way, hmm, I'm obsessive, I'm obsessed with numbers, y'all. So when we're worrying about how the world is going to receive that, and we're that we're then projecting what we think they're going to receive it as based on our beliefs based on who we think we are at our core. You know, if you think that you know that you're not good enough that your, your voice shouldn't be heard, or you're not important, or mistakes and failures, or bad or are bad, and rejection, I'm just going to be rejected, or I'm inadequate or not capable. If you feel all of these things at your core, your brain is going to continuously find evidence that supports these things. Yeah. I see my like, um, you know, in even thinking about, let's say, sharing a story, because a lot of this is the story we tell ourselves. Now, we sort of tapped a little bit into like trauma earlier that it's not the actual experience, it's kind of the meaning that we assign to it's the story we tell ourselves about that experience. Um, but I think that the more that we kind of tell our story, the list, the less impact that it has on us in terms of that inner criticism, or those inner voices. It has less and less power. And sometimes that's a way for us to be able to release certain beliefs, beliefs that we've learned within our own internal system, if that makes sense. I love that. I think what's interesting, too, I guess a point for me, that has become really freeing. Now I'm going to say this with a caveat y'all have, I am not completely immune to this. So I still I battle with this every day. But I've said it before that when, you know, you have the ego and the egos, you know, you say something and the ego takes it personally. And then it starts dictating your behavior. Well, the higher self says, Okay, I'm going to put this piece into the world, I'm going to put this story into the world. And however anyone receives it, is on them. Right, based on their own lens of how they view the world and their own belief system. But this story is true to my identity and to my core. Yes. So it's not our responsibility, how somebody is going to receive that. No, and frankly, it's it's none of our business, their opinions of us are none of our damn business. Yeah. Now, I'm so glad you're saying that. And that's been like this ongoing conversation my house right now, you know, with my husband, and I just, well, that's an example of it, but just not being responsible for another person's feelings. I mean, obviously, if you're an ass, and you're unkind to somebody, well, then you're responsible for your behavior, right? Yeah, you probably apologize, right? But it's, you are just being your authentic self or you choose to share something that might create discomfort for the person. That's for them to work through. And that's not that's not on me or that's not on the person who sharing I mean, right, right. Freaking on. Well, it's also good to it's also good to get comfortable with a little bit of discomfort, you know what I mean? I don't know where this will come along, like or wearable talk about this in the podcast, but I do want to talk about race at some point. I don't know if you're up for that conversation. And just because I think when people get a little uncomfortable I don't know about you, but I keep seeing stuff about critical race theory and how people are you know, people are freaking out about this being taught in school because they don't want their children to be uncomfortable and blah, blah, blah. That's a bigger topic at some point but for whatever reason, it's like in my head is Oh, no to self. Or let's talk to talk to Jess, let's kind of make this a priority to talk about because I do think white people need to talk about it within with white people about white body weight body advantage or white Bobby supremacy, it's kind of you to actually experience and understand in in kind of feel. I can't wait to talk about that. Because I know I'm always trying to check my own biases and I think it is important that you know, as a white woman that I'm not only able to talk about it but and have someone else hold the mirror up to me but then also to be open to receiving criticism about what I said and how I said it. I I think I am more open when if someone corrects me now about gender and sexuality and orientation, because it's Just something that I've opened my heart up to say that I don't know at all. And if I fuck up what I'm saying go ahead and meet because I don't want to always wait up and yeah, so I'm gonna write that that note down, y'all that's gonna be a great one. Yeah, so and then the so this concept of self esteem or our inner voice, our inner critic, as you can probably break the word down, it comes from yourself. It comes from inside, right? Like kind of a no brainer definition, esteem comes from yourself. Yes. However, we often think about self esteem is coming from the world around us. Right, but yourself is not in the world. It's right here. It lives within us. And I know, how I show up someday is really is can be dictated about how I'm feeling about my body that day. I know that that is a huge, huge belief that I have been working to and become is because my entire life, it has been pushed down my throat, that being anything outside of what we see on cash in the 90s. It was, you know, what was that model, the Calvin Klein model, Kate Moss hit us where it was like nothing, what did she say nothing. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels like that was a whole Calvin Klein campaign or some kind of campaign. So that's force fed down our, you know, our throats and then our family, they want you to be healthy. And they want you to, they don't want you to look different than the normal person. So they're constantly pushing their own beliefs on you. And so I grew up with this belief that if I'm anything outside, or I look different, my body type looks different than most of the people around me, then I need to change that. Right? That's a struggle. And I know you've struggled with that too. And if but you're on the opposite spectrum of that, where I was looking at pictures of myself the other night, because my dad has passed away, and I was looking for a cute picture of him to post on Facebook. And I stumbled across all these photos. And I was like, Why did I think I was fat here? Right? How old? Are you in the picture? Like 15? Oh, yeah, yeah, why? I'm looking at that, like, guy. That's not fat. Like, come on. I've had two kids. I'm gonna show you some, I'll show you somebody lows. But it's, it's interesting to me. Because that I know, I've been in places where if I'm not feeling good about who I am and what my body looks like, I don't show up my best. Yes. People can feel that. What are your thoughts on that? On what part of that just showed up to you? Um, I don't know. Um, there's lots of I guess there's lots of things, but there's nothing one, there's no one in particular piece that I feel like I, when you talked about just sort of like back then maybe thinking that you looked or appeared fat in a photo, right. And then however, many years later, revisiting it, it's just so interesting, it just kind of it shows you that it's all about perspective, the perspective of a 15 year old, and the perspective of a 30 something year old, that that changes and evolves over time, it all has to do with kind of the personal work that you do, it's not seeing yourself from here, but seeing yourself from a much wider lens or from a different perspective. Now I can, like relate to that, because I look at pictures of myself too, when I was younger, and I just always tried to cover my body all the time. And I'm like, I can't figure what the problem, you know, the grass is always greener. I feel like it's like, especially like, it's not just when you're young. I mean, maybe I'm speaking because I'm just I am in a different place in my life, you know, but I know that there are women at 45 who still have a whole lot of credit. And I, I do have my criticisms about right. So I'm not saying we're not immune, absolutely not. But I'm in a place in my life where I also disconnect from things that don't make me feel good as a way to kind of work with that. Within that to it's like, okay, I can work within here with myself. But if I know that certain things on social media, make me feel shitty, then I can't be part of it. In fact, that's not just about body image, but you know, that's, as I've kind of explained to you I am, I'm not on Facebook, and I'm not I mean, I have a Facebook page and I have an Instagram page but I'm not active on it and sometimes I don't look at it from Once I'm down, because I also know that looking through my feed can provoke different emotions in me. It's like when all this political stuff was going on, I'm like, Holy shit, we've been pinned against one another. And this is now this place where people are trying to convince the other side, it's like us versus them, trying to convince each other who's right. And it's, it's never going to change the I don't feel like it's, I don't feel like opinions are going to be changed, people get very stuck in their belief system. That's right for them. But then because of that, they feel like, well, this is what's right for everybody. And that's a waste of energy. Totally, totally. That's like fucking Mike job that shit. Absolutely, totally work, waste of energy. And if we could all just first off, all of us needs to just practice radical self acceptance. And if we start if we start there, and we accept who we are, while it's I'm not saying that we shouldn't have goals, like I'm not saying we shouldn't have fitness goals, if you want to lose weight, because you want to lose weight, not because society tells you to write great like, have these goals, but don't fucking hate yourself while you're on this journey to become whatever it is you want to become. That sucks like that. What a waste of time. Yeah, anytime that we get into a position where we are comparing ourselves to other people, we just it's a trap. It's just fucking trap. It's really, it's like, if you want to be competitive, be competitive with yourself. So if you're like, Well, I want to learn how to run five miles. Well then compete within yourself like, Okay, I did two miles yesterday. Now I'm going to do 2.5 miles, I want to show myself that I can push myself a little bit further than I did yesterday. Or when it comes to our health, you're exactly right. It's like do it for yourself. Make those decisions for yourself. I weren't dressed today. I was a kid. But I did that for myself. I didn't really do that for any reason other than I'd like to feel pretty today. I think I'll wear a dress, you know? Oh, well, that's my daughter is always like, Mom, are you putting on makeup right now? You're beautiful. Exactly how you. It's like they're giving back your words. Right? Yeah, Nora. Yeah. Which is two, which is so true. Which is exactly true. I mean, I'll go outside right now. And raka no makeup look, I don't care. But I told her, I'm doing it. Because I like the way that it makes me feel. And I'm always trying to, you know, find that feeling and that center. So yeah, so what I think with self esteem, and just where our beliefs come into play with that is through my studies, and I know that you, you will agree with some of this stuff. But our negative inner voice often comes from four different areas. So that first area is our competency. So when I say competency, it's that feeling like we should be better at something than we are. So that could be a skill. It could be, you know, getting a better grade, it could be having more friends being more sociable, it's an achievement, it could be, I want to be a better lover, I want to be wealthier. So it's a competency is something that we can work on. So I'm going to go through these really quick. And then we'll kind of talk about them. The second piece is our body. So feeling like something is intrinsically wrong with your body. I'm too tall, I'm too thin, I'm too fat, I've got wrinkles, my lips are too thin. My I'm too hairy, I'm not athletic enough, I have too many freckles, my stretch marks, all of these things, then in turn, hey, there's something wrong with my body. So then that means I'm unworthy of love. The third is our identity. So something is wrong with something about you as a person. So something that we cannot change our personality, our religious affiliation ma extroverted versus introverted. So there's things that we can't necessarily change, about who we are our race, like you mentioned earlier, are racist part of that. And then lastly, is our relationship. So this is a core belief, I will only be worthy of love if like, I will only be lovable and worthy of love. If this So, if I'm good at sports, if I'm good at cooking, if I'm thin, if I'm hot. All these things. So I've really looked at in my studies and found that the the negative inner voice comes from one of those four areas than any of those so competency, body identity and relationship. Did any of those strike a chord for you? Yeah, I mean, I think personally, I I can relate with all Have those to some level or some degree, you know? Yeah, I was thinking to that. In sort of bringing it back to the mask to, um, I feel like we sort of fall into the way I was gonna say traps because we're so afraid of feeling fear or shame. You know, whether it's fear of rejection, fear of failure, yet feeling shame, or unworthiness or abandonment. And but that, I don't know, I guess I'm thinking about how those things can play a role in those. What's the word you use the for? You? Oh, the inner voice comes from the four areas. Those four areas though. Yeah, news, two areas? Yeah. Well, and there's, there's a lot of things that we can change about ourselves. But there's some things that we just can't like, that's just who we are. Like, I'm never going to be one of those people that goes into a social situation, and feels 100% In my like, in my zone, read, I'm gonna love every minute of it. No, like, most of the time, I'm like, counting down the minutes to when I can lead and be alone. But I mean, there's so many things like, we think if if my body looks like this, if I'm tall, if I've got you know, this the full head of hair, if I have, like, you know, amazing calves are a great buddhi then Then and only then can I be loved and like, I can only look it, I can only get that love and feel that worthiness when I look that way, but the problem is you get to that and you're not going to feel much different. We're not going to feel much different. So what what we fill in that blank with is just such so poisonous and toxic, that makes us feel so unworthy of love. And isn't that what we're all searching for connection and love? Yeah, yes. Well, there's there's only so you could take all these four areas, you can blend them into like a nice smoothie. But the mix is always going to be different for everyone else, like when I drink a smoothie, it's going to be different. But we all have these these different elements within us that decide whether or not we're going to feel negative or positive that day. Talk to me about because, you know, just as a therapist, and just as an energy, you know, working with people's energy, talk to me a little bit about how energy plays a role into our, I guess I would say our self esteem and our image of ourselves. Um, I think, yeah, very much. So. And I talk a lot about this and therapy with people that our outer world is often a reflection of our inner world. So, you know, if we are not feeling worthy of a healthy, good relationship, or we're not feeling worthy of a, b, and c, it could be anything, then we'll find that these are the things that we're manifesting in our exterior in our external world, in our relationships, and how people show up for us, we're kind of a magnet, we're an energetic magnet based on the energies that we're expressing, not necessarily verbally, but energetically. So if we have self hatred, if we have fear, if and whatever those fears might be around, whatever it is, we're just an energetic, vibrational match for those things to come into our life, or those people who are going to make us continuously feel the way that we feel. That's why it's so important to change your inner belief system, because when you start to, let's say, energetically emanate love, self love, or joy, doing things that you know, bring you feelings of joy, right, then that's the energy you are creating around you and you start to attract more experiences that bring you that same feeling of joy, or you drawn or a person in a relationship that shares a similar kind of like, feeling those similar feelings, if that makes sense. Yeah. And those patterns are going to keep showing up until the universe feels satisfied that you've actually learned and grown from it. And the problem is, is you're always we're always seeking extrinsically For to heal our internal wounds, and that never works. It literally never works. And until we take those wounds, and we just let them lose on out as gross as that sounds, and we quit putting band aids of alcohol or drugs or sex or all of these other band aids that we use to really numb that pain of that wound. It's going to keep it's gonna keep popping up. And we're going to keep reliving the cycle over and over again until we say Fuck this, I don't want to live this anymore. And I think with that negative inner voice, we have this. It's a mechanism referred to as shielding. So it's we have the shields that we put up to protect us like, and we need those, like, don't take those don't take those down if they're going to protect you. But there's some times where we do need to take them down. So I always joke. Like, I like to point out my insecurities about myself. If I'm feeling like, weird about him that day, I point them out to other people, so they can't make fun of me. Like, why would they make fun of someone? If that person already is aware? So fun anymore? Yeah. No funny. Or another. Another shield that I see is like, money. And prestige is a really big shield for people. Because you can't argue with success. Can't argue with financial stability. So if I'm, if I'm rich, and I'm funding all these nonprofits, no one's going to poke at one of my core wounds. As long as everybody in that room knows, yeah, what I've done, and how much money I have, and how much procedure have, then nobody's gonna, nobody's gonna make fun of me. And that becomes a defense mechanism. Yeah, that is obvious. Is that crazy? No, I think that's right. It kind of reminds me of kind of the rules that we adapt to sort of, that's based on the programming that we've, it's all about this masks, you know what I mean? So there is like that achiever, it's very performance based. It's like, I can hide behind that so that people can't see what real vulnerabilities I have going on. Because I'm putting this first and foremost, this is how I want people to perceive me, right. And then there's people who are just very intellectual. So they hide whatever emotional stuff or anything else that might be going on for them behind whatever that intellect is. So they can collect knowledge through the knowledge collectors, you know what I mean? And they can speak from that logical place. But don't want to reveal any other aspect of themselves. There's also, no I can't remember all of these off the top of my head, so I'm just going to speak from what I can. I don't know, whatever is coming to me. There's also the spiritual person, right? Their identity becomes like, Oh, I'm this very spiritual person, and I can light candles and do all these whatever things. It doesn't even just have to be spiritual. Sometimes. It's that religious, whatever that Amen. Right? Um, we find behind the things, they That's exactly it. They're hiding behind whatever this identity that they've created for themselves, or whatever mask so that they don't have to reveal their true self. Wow. You say that? Oh, I don't know if I can say it again. Just keep going. Who's had a good moment? You got it? No, keep going. Well, I was thinking about what about now this was me at one time the person who's like, I'm good. It's I'm fine. No, I'm fine. It's okay. That's it. I feel like that. Whatever. You want to do one. Yeah, I'm good. No, I'm good. Who really like so many potential like fucking screaming inside? There? Because, because we don't think that because I don't know what this is. But that's that comes back to that burden complex of not Well, I think it's a few things that burden complex of if I actually say how I'm feeling, are they going to be able to? Are they emotionally intelligent enough to make space for that hold me emotionally, but then also do I want them to? Yeah, yeah, to another one is perfectionism. If I'm perfect in every single way, if my body is perfect, I have the perfect spouse, the perfect family. My kids are great at a great job. My dogs are adorable. If I show up in the world, and I'm put together in the perfect way and I'm doing the right activities. I volunteer I do all these things, that that shield is up and nothing can get through. There is no criticism. I'm literally perfect. What are you going to say about me? Right? That's fucking exhausting. And it's such a setup. I mean, it's it's such a setup for ourselves. Yeah. You're literally setting yourself up for failure every single moment of every single day is what the fuck is perfect. Now say what about anger? I think anger can be a shield too. If I'm angry all the time. People are gonna know I get they have to walk on eggshells or you know around me yeah, come come swing at me but I'm already out of range. And that really strange is relationships even more. Yeah, visibility. visible? Oh, yeah, that's mine. I feel I was gonna say, Hey, Lisa, about invisibility. Yeah, no, it's, it's, I think a hiding, you know, I hide. So, yeah, I just, I prefer not to be seen to some degree so that I don't have to show those parts of myself. I don't always do it. And it's certainly something I've been working on. But, you know, I'm, you know, maybe that's part of my hiding, like, from social media and whatnot, is that maybe I feel like, I don't want to just show parts of myself if I'm going to show myself and it's going to be the whole self. But I'm not quite ready. I don't want to do that. I don't feel like I want to do that, you know, invisibility that's, you know, keep your head down, dress plainly, don't raise your hand, don't raise your voice don't speak up. And then then, and maybe they're maybe the bullies, maybe 50. People, they won't even notice I'm there. And they won't ridicule me. Or they won't shame me. Yes, yeah. And I was just thinking about for a lot of people like self expression. Like, that's something that a lot of people tend to suppress. And, and because of, they're so afraid of how other people will perceive them. But that, that is a recipe, it's a recipe for depression. Yes. Because when we're suppressing that, that part of ourself that we know, like that inner punk rocker, or that inner artist, or whatever your inner advocate, when we're suppressing that part of ourselves, that piece is not seeing light, and all parts of ourselves need to see light in order to really function as a functioning human. Because when we start when we suppress them, that's when we start having things like midlife crises, and just, you know, crises of identity and self and, you know, so absolutely, and I think, I mean, that's going to be a whole that needs to be a whole topic in itself. Is that inner family dynamic within ourselves like that? I sometimes call it as, like your inner board of directors. Have that makeup, the parts of ourselves in our identity? And oh, I just thought of another people pleasing. That's another shield. Yeah, that is people pleasing, or like the do gooder? Yeah. You know, just always going to be doing good, going to do good stuff, new stuff, and good people. But yeah, it's all about pleasing other people, with everyone around me. And if everyone is around me is happy, then that most likely means that they're happy with me. Yeah, we're happy. And if they're happy, then that means I'm worthy of love. Because it's really, it's all about something within ourselves that is getting said, I know that I am lovable, if I'm able to bring pleasure to this other person. And and I know that I'm adaptable enough that I can just be fine with whatever and go along with it to keep the balance and peace. Right? You may not love it, but it's not that bad. Mm hmm. So I think so all of those I don't know. Are there any other any other shields that you can think of? I love how we were just like, dive in there. What about somebody who do you think like somebody who always stays busy, always has to always has to have something to do? You know, but then maybe they're the type of person who always feels like super overwhelmed, but they kind of set themselves up to feel that way. Because they're afraid to quiet down, they're afraid to slow down, what happens below down? Then they have to actually sit with yourself and some people just start uncomfortable. I mean, that can I really uncomfortable? I identify with that a lot. Totally. I think avoidance is a shield to Yeah, I think that what you just said there is definitely you know, it's a form of avoidance of avoidance of the self avoidance of feelings, avoidance of everything. I know that I can be an avoider, you know, like there's, yes, totally, I can be so avoided that I'll go sleep away the day and just not feel anything and then wake up feeling like shit. But there so it's the reason that I think it's important that we go through all these shields. It's not to say that you need to go into these, you know that we need to go into these situations and take our shield down and not have that up. I do think it's important that as we are navigating the worlds around us that we're aware of when we are putting up a shield when we are and sometimes those shields might they might work for you. They might be good. Yeah, but just we have to know like, but why are you shielding? So it's okay to use a shield to protect yourself. But it's also even more important to understand why you're doing that. For example, when you're talking about spirituality I find it fascinating because for me, my spiritual journey has evolved so much and will continue to evolve. But I hear people that are I meditate, and I do all these things. Great. That's a great first step. But then you say, Well, have you sat with that shadow? Have you looked at that negative feeling of jealousy or guilt or shame and understand why that is coming up within you? And a lot of people are like, well, that's not happy and positive. Yeah, dude, spirituality and meditation, like, I'll be honest with you, for me, it ends up being a lot, it brings up a lot of shit. For me, like I was, it should. And it's sad too, because that's how you tap. That's how you tap into the true self. That's how you take the mask off is really actually sitting one and self inquiry or meditation, or maybe some sort of physical activity that gets the body engaged to, but it's hard when your brain is constantly go, go, go, go go to be able to really do the internal work. Well, that I, I think there's, there's absolutely nothing wrong. And I'm not judging anyone for how they show up in their meditation practice. But if you are meditating, and you really want to see the your identity start to shift, if you really want to see change, it's when you're you're walking in the real world, and you're feeling negative feelings, write them down, and then go meditate on those feelings. Because then and only then is that when you that's when you will start seeing a shift in this real world. And yes, there's nothing wrong with like meditating for positive vibes. However, that's not not at all. It's not the only thing meditation I like, I use meditation to get into a happier state a lot. But it's also like, it's really about seek sinking inward, to then be able to take the answers out into your external world to make changes. Yes. So last that we talked about today, I feel like this is a good stopping point for us. Actually, I feel like we have a lot of a lot more to cover on all of this. And I can't wait to dig in even more. But any final Any final thoughts on energy? Or the belief systems or self esteem or our critic? Activities that listeners can do? Yeah, I think, um, why don't we? What about this, because I do think that getting into the habit of self inquiry is a really great thing to do. And, and so but it takes practice takes a lot of practice. So just as a random example, and I almost feel like we talked about this anyway, in another podcast, but it's a good challenge for ourselves in general. So when you find that maybe you're getting triggered by your partner, let's say it could or it could be somebody at work, it could be someone who waits on you in a grocery store, whatever, your children, your children. Stop within that take a moment to say, Okay, what is going on with me? That's being triggered by this person's behavior words, right now? What is it about me? Anytime there's that sort of like thing where all of a sudden, we feel this, like growing energy or emotion in us? There's something that's communication that but we kind of fail to see that because we always want to go with that person just did that fucked up. Yeah. Fuck them. Our goal in life is really to be in a position where somebody can be announced, or we can just let it breeze over and be like, not about me, not about me. Not gonna pick that one up. Not gonna pick it up. So, um, so yeah, just like, try practicing. Okay, if I get triggered by somebody take notice. Where in my body and my feeling it? And what is my body? And what is what are my emotions trying to communicate with me because there's a part of ourselves in there. That is, that's being provoked and need some love and care. And then when you can notice, like, Okay, this part of myself was being triggered. Then you ask the question, what do you need? What do you really need right now and then you be the person to take care of yourself as opposed to looking to the other person or someone else to make you feel better, you know, show up as that mother you needed that father you need whoever that is. Be that person to yourself, and just start getting into the practice of doing that. Man No to self. I'm going going to be doing that. I forget about that. I know. I know all of those things. I know. It's funny, right? But I didn't do it this morning when I'm arguing with my husband. I should have walked away. Yeah, yeah. I'll give an example of this because I think it's important to do that with a so my daughter and I got into an argument my seven year old I'm 33 fucking years old and my seven year old Nikon to an argument. And so I started to feel all these like angry feelings coming up. Like I felt like she's been such so disrespectful, like all of these things, just just not giving a shit. And I was like, I'm not raising this disrespectful human, what? And so something within me was triggered, and it felt like I was being disrespected. That was That, to me, that was the trigger. So what I could do is then question that situation and say, What is this? What could be going on with my daughter right now? Well, what I'm seeing is she's being disrespectful. What else? Well, you know, she hasn't really eaten she had a full day of school today. She went to bed late last night and woke up early. So there's all of these other things, but the meaning that I gave that triggering situation is based on my own projection of she's disrespecting me when that's probably not what's going on. Right, right. Do I need to do some work on Yes, i is being disrespected or the thought of being disrespected, so triggering to me, that it makes me angry. Yes, I can relate to that. And sometimes when my daughter's emotions get really big, I it really provokes something in me. And I've done that same sort of self inquiry. Okay, well, what is it about me that's being so triggered by her and I realized, for me, I feel out of control, it's triggering my need to feel in control. And I'm not necessarily a control freak, but I do maintain a certain level of control within myself. And that is what's getting provoked because I really like there's a part of me that just wants to be like screaming outside, you know, like, whatever it is, I wouldn't say that to her but like, yeah, we think it we think it might I think it so for me, there's there's something about control. That's coming up for myself. Ooh, ooh, yes, control just I all this reset. Yeah. We said that was like a killer way to end this episode. And it was such a good action item for people to begin digging deep. And as always, we are so grateful that you spent your very precious minutes with us today. And we are looking forward to hanging out with you again very soon. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye bye.