8. Unbecoming Our Mental Health Hurdles with a side of Brains

Hi there, 

For me knowledge is always power. Ya know, "the more you know." Cue rainbow shooting star.

Knowledge solidifies really "out-there" concepts that we can't seem to wrap our brains around but want to. Show us the evidence. OR explain it in an understandable way and BOOM, suddenly, this knowledge can be integrated in our lives rather than just some info we have.

Knowledge helps us understand our mental health, especially when we are in the darkness. 

So, this episode, is all about da brain and mental health hurdles we all face but are increasingly heavier the longer we are in the middle of the pandemic.  Because maybe if you understand a little more about how your brain works - then you won't beat yourself up when your anxiety has its grips in ya or when depression has rendered you a muted version of yourself.

Talk soon,
JV

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Hey there welcome back to consciously unbecoming the podcast where we get really freakin real about all the beliefs that has been thrust upon us since we were born and we decide, hey, these ones, I think I like it I'm gonna keep, but these ones gots to go. I'm your host, Jess Vogelpohl. And I'm grateful that you're here. And I'm grateful that you're on this journey with me. I also like to say that I know that probably every episode has sounded a little bit differently. And I appreciate you hanging in there and working with me as I continuously pivot define, really what this podcast is and what the format is. So if every episode that you've listened to sounds a little bit different, I'm just trying to keep you on your toes, yo, like, that's all I'm doing. But today, we are going to dig into the brain and understand the brain a bit more, and how it relates to our mental health and some of for some of us that have diagnosed mental illnesses, that maybe make it relate a little bit more and help you realize that you're not alone. So let's dig in. Note to self, you are not your depression, nor your anxiety, here, definitely not your fear and insecurities. In case anyone has ever told you that you are not your body or the color of your hair. You are not what political party you love, or what religion you follow. You are a conscious being with so much love inside of them, that has often stifled because of well life. You have all the answers within you, you know how to heal yourself, we just have to take our power back. Now, I'm not a big fan of labels. I don't necessarily love them, for some people that can be extremely stifling. But for others, they can provide a sense of community they can provide us with, Oh, hey, there's plenty of other people that think and feel the way that I do so much that there's actually a freaking diagnosis. And I'm not as alone as I thought I was. And that feels like when you feel completely hopeless, that feels like just the smallest glimmer of hope sometimes. So disclaimer, I am not a therapist, nor a licensed mental health professional. So if you are needing help, if you are needing a therapist or want to dig deeper, go out and find one. There are so many sources now or excuse me resources that can fit all kinds of budgets, and take all kinds of insurance. If you don't have insurance, there's just options out there. And you deserve it. Everything else hinges on your mental health and your spiritual well being. So please go do that for yourself. Okay. So I'm not a therapist, but I probably should be you know how I go. When celebrities do the commencement speeches at graduation, like college graduations, and they get whatever like an honorary doctorate. I feel like I should have one of those, because I have been a patient of therapy for so long. But I did, I grew up with some some parents that had mental health struggles, some of them were diagnosed, some of them were not diagnosed that once I started digging into my own mental health journey and learning about myself, did I realize, well, hey, I think my dad might have also had this or I think I see this characteristic, I definitely get that from my mom, I wonder if she was aware that she did this as well. So some of my mental health hurdles that I'm constantly trying to navigate are genetic, and some of mine are gained through life experience. And I know I've said it in the past, I've definitely dealt with a lot of grief and hardship and adversity in my life. So it kind of makes sense that I struggle from time to time. And right now, I don't know about y'all. But this pandemic is, is been heavy since the onset since we first learned about COVID. But it has gotten even heavier. Maybe that's because it's been in my own backyard. And we've had COVID in our house. And schools keep getting closed down or whatever that might look like but it's a lot heavier. And I feel like the world just collectively is going through this kind of transformation where we all feel like these over inflated balloons that we could not get an ounce of air put into that that blue and there's nothing else that can get in there. But somehow we keep filling and we keep expanding even more we are literally bursting at the seams. That's how we all are. We're all just in this collective moment of we're about to pop and it's time we freakin talk about it. I have said since the beginning of the pandemic that mental health is not being talked about there. It's extremely stigmatized, but I will say the one thing that the pandemic has done is shown us the importance of slowing the fuck down and really becoming more mindful and self actualizing. And, and realizing where we came from, it's really given us the opportunity to say, Yeah, you know what mental health is pretty damn important. But we're still not talking about it enough. Society tells us to suck it up and calm down. Friends ask us well, hey, have you tried essential oils? What about meditation and working out? Like, yeah, I've done all that. Are you kidding me? You might tell yourself because I know I have, this is never gonna end it's going to it's going to be like this forever, I'm going to be depressed, I'm going to be anxious with that, that pit in my stomach for a bur? Or that I should be better by now or that I shouldn't feel this way. First off, quit shouldn't on yourself, like, No, thank you. But there's so many things that society tells us about how we should think, feel and act. And right now there is absolutely there's there's no manual. There's no manual that tells us how we should behave in a pandemic. But if you're like me, and you walked into the pandemic, with a whole slew of mental health hurdles, and traumas that you've been actively working on for many years, the pandemic feels a lot heavier. If you ever have experienced trauma before, and I'm a child of trauma, I grew up around a lot of trauma. And then, on March of 2021, I was drugged and sexually assaulted. And so I like to describe trauma like this. And I think if you've ever experienced trauma, or hell, if you've ever experienced depression, or anxiety, I think you might relate to this. But it's like having a weighted blanket on you. And that weighted blanket just happens to be an invisibility cloak. And you have no idea where the hell it is on your body. And so the most mundane things like, Hey, I have to go to the grocery store, or, Hey, I have to drop this, this package off at the post office can seem like this monumental, monumental thing, when really, it's just a very tiny thing. But when you're in these states, everything that everything just feels a lot heavier and is a lot more weighted. So we have to have those moments where we're like, this is one of those times where I am not doing well. I'm not I'm not in my best place. I'm, I'm in a dark space, I'm anxious, name it, name those feelings, and tell the people around you and if you haven't, if you didn't hear me the beginning, get a therapist or find a shaman or whatever modality of healing you feel is is the best for you. Okay, so I want to jump into what's called the this your sudden score, or your subjective unit of discomfort, discomfort scale. So said subjective unit of discomfort. Scale discomfort is a weird that sounds like it's kind of weird when I said it. I guess we all have this right? Have you ever lost control of your emotions? And then you regretted it or maybe like lost it or you blew up at someone or your partner, child or a work colleague, maybe it was a driver or you know your beep in your horn, you're just so pissed. Then you realize later on, like shit, that was yeah, that was completely uncalled for anyone? Because I know I have. If you answered yes to that you have been hijacked by your amygdala, your amygdala love. So so we're gonna get a little nerdy and I'm so excited. Okay, so your amygdala in your brain, in case you didn't know that I'm not making fun of you. It's okay. It's not an everyday household world word. So the amygdala in your limb, your limbic system, it really plays a crucial role in how animals and people assess and then respond to what's going on in the environment, particularly threats, challenges, and just really making sure to keep us safe, right, remember, because I always say, our brains core function is to keep us safe. That's, that's one of its core functions is to keep us safe, and to regulate so many different functions within our body. So if your amygdala and you're walking around, and you're all these things are happening automatically without even realizing it, but it sees a situation as a perceived risk or a perceived threat. And then it sorts through your mental is then sorting through to decide, okay, well hire, how are we going to respond? And how do we regulate our emotions, to make sure that it fits that course of how we're going to respond to that threat? You with me? Okay. So the amygdala, the main function of it is to regulate our emotions, particularly fear aggression, kind of a lot of those those negative ones because it's linked to your fight or flight process. Okay, so the amygdala regulates our Mo motions and is really in charge of fight or fight. So when it's stimulated, there's been studies that show when when the amygdala is stimulated, that aggressive behavior can happen when it when it's removed. So let me try to explain this in a different way. So there were these animal testing. I know I hate animal testing, it's Don't even get me started. But what they noticed is when they they stimulated electrically animals, so they would do something to stimulate them electrically. The animals would then begin to show aggressive behavior, but then when it was removed, they no longer have that aggressive behavior. So it was really like this fight or flight, I'm not explaining that one, just we're gonna move on from that. Not explaining it the way I want to in my head. But when you see when you hear touch, taste, something, all of this sensory information goes up into your Thalamus, which then is kind of like that I caught like, Conjunction Junction relay station, that's like your it's really Union Station. It's really the main station in your brain. And the thalamus then relays the information to your neocortex, which is sometimes referred to as your thinking brain. And from there, it is sent to the amygdala, so the emotional brain, which then produces what response we need to take, okay, so for some of you, that was probably really freakin boring. And for another part of you're like, Wow, this, this woman is a nerd, and I love her. So thank you to both of you. But okay, so if you've ever been in a threatening situation, the thalamus then sends this sensory information to both the amygdala and the neocortex. Now, if the amygdala senses danger, it's going to make this split second almost automatic decision to initiate that fight or flight response before the neocortex has time to overrule it. So why is this important? Your amygdala, again, your emotional brain. And then your neocortex, your thinking brain, your rational brain. So then there's all of these events that are happening to this, this wide cascade of events, begins to trigger all these stress hormones, you might have heard of epinephrine. And sometimes it might be referred to as adrenaline, and then you have cortisol. So all of these hormones are now preparing your body to either flee the situation or, or to to fight to increase your heart rate, elevating that blood pressure boosting energy levels, so many different things are now happening in your brain. Now, many of the threats that we face today, as humans and in this modern civilization that we live in, they really are symbolic, they're evolutionary, our brains kind of evolved to deal with all these physical threats to our survival that required a quick response. So we don't have to deal with a lot of the things that our ancestors had to deal with, just to survive the dead. So as a, as a result, though, our body still responds with these biological changes that prepare us to fight or fight. So even though there's no actual physical threat, that that we must, you know, figure out, it's still, it's still happening, it's still there. Now, the term amygdala hijack was actually first used by a psychologist, his name is Daniel Goleman. And he had a book he wrote, oh, gosh, emotional intelligence, why it can matter more than the IQ. Okay? Don't quote me on that exactly. But it came out, it came out back in 1995. And I haven't read it, all of it. I've read a lot of it, but not all of it. And he would refer to this amygdala hijacking to refer to an immediate or extremely intense emotional reaction that's out of proportion to the situation. So in other words, it's when you lose your shit. Or, or you seriously overreact to something or someone. Now, the amygdala, the intention is to protect us from danger. It can also interfere with our functioning in this modern world where a lot of the threats that we once perceived as threats are not things that we deal with. Why is this all important? Any guesses? Yeah, you're right. I'm just kidding. And don't have anyone that's answering but most of the threats that that we come in, and there's there's dangerous things that we encounter every day there truly is and that discrediting that just because we are not living living in the times of our ancestors that a lot more our amygdala, for example, will then take a look at the things that we do on a day to day basis and will either deem it safe or not safe. Now, I use this analogy a lot, but you know how we know how it's so damn hard to start something new. I particularly likes working out and why is it such a pain in the ass when you're, you know, on a hiatus, and then decide that you want to start working out again? Well, it's because you're modulized like, Yo, bro, we haven't done this in a very long time. This is scary. It's going to hurt, it's going to be outside of our comfort zone. So then our, our amygdala has this emotional response. And then the neocortex jumps in the thinking brain is like, yeah, like, Yo, that amygdala is right, here's all of the logical evidence that supports the amygdala emotional response to not actually wanting to begin a routine. So think of all the times you try to do something that's actually good for you and healthy, and is going to support you in some way you go to start that, and it's all of these things, it's it's getting out of your brain is half the battle when hell even more than half the battle. So I'm telling you all of this, because this is very important to know. And to tie it back to what I first started this conversation about was your sub skill, your subjective unit of discomfort, okay, so what we know about our sub skills, we all have them, it's a good way to gauge whether or or not guess it's a good way to gauge like your comfort level in a situation. So let's just say for example, I'll use an example of like, an actual personal example. I, after my sexual assault back in March, I did not want to start therapy, I knew that I needed it, I knew that I needed it, I have been in therapy for so long, over 10 years, off and on. And I knew that therapy would be really good for me to deal with, with one of the worst atrocities I've ever dealt with in my life. If you have been sexually assaulted, or know someone that has, it is definitely it's a terrible thing to have to go through. So I finally, like for some reason, I would try to find any therapist, and I couldn't find anyone. And then it was up, I guess it's just not meant to be. And I kept having all these reasons for not actually starting therapy. And then I started, okay, so I finally like push past that. And I made the phone call, I sent the emails and I got a new therapist. And almost every single therapy appointment I had, in those early days of therapy following the assault, I didn't want to go to I would come up with every reason in my head on why I shouldn't show up for that. Because it was scary. I mean, it's, it's scary when you're talking about really deep, dark shit, and especially to someone new that you don't really know. So what happened there is I had an emotional response. And then my neocortex immediately started feeding me all of this, all of this evidence as to support what the amygdala was saying to me. Now, our Sud scale says, if we can do something for 20 minutes, that freaks the hell out of us, or the thing that we want to avoid, or whatever that might look like, if we can do that thing for 20 minutes, our anxiety, our scale, our number begins to decline. So maybe at the beginning of therapy, I'm, I don't know, seven or eight, maybe a nine Hal, and 20 minutes in, I start going down. I'm number six. Now I'm a five, okay, I'm a three, I'm a two and I'm starting to feel a lot better and more in control of my nervous system is, is chilling out a little bit more. That's great. Now, over time, what happens as I continue to subject myself to therapy and to put myself in this, quote, scary situation, according to my amygdala, and my neocortex, what's going to happen is when I would usually start therapy, I'd be, you know, seven, eight, or nine. Now I'm starting with therapy sessions off that is six. And it's taking less time to get down to you know, that one or that two level. And this keeps going on. So the moral of the story is we have to do things, we have to expose ourselves to these uncomfortable situations that we know are good for ourselves. Because our amygdala and our neocortex are going to then begin working together to then decide and find new evidence to support that this new endeavor is actually going to be safe for you. Okay, so the, the amygdala. So what we're talking about, just to recap, the MiG tau hijack is when you essentially lose your shit on someone and realize like, I had no control over that. I mean, I don't do this all the time. But there are times where I it almost is like dissociating, where my kids will do something stupid and I'll respond because I'm triggered by all these other things. And I just lose my shit and I dissociate because I can see myself doing it like I know in the moment like shut up, shut up, shut up. You're gonna regret this. Don't do this. They don't deserve this, but I do it anyways. Because my amygdala is then taken over. Okay, we are we are still with me. So, chronic stress, certain mental health conditions, they really do play a role in the function of our fear circuitry in the brain which can then result in greater chances of our amygdala constantly being hijacked. So people with with PTSD, for example, I'm, I have chronic PTSD from some childhood stuff. And then I also have PTSD from the sexual assault. But people with PTSD, for example, show greater amygdala activation. And therefore they have extreme emotional responding, including fear and anxiety responses. So what that means is, for example, I have PTSD. And ever since the sexual assault, I am constantly triggered by loud noises, like you'll see like my body freak out or tense up, or somebody was saying something to me recently. And they kind of snuck up behind me and I legitimately screamed, it's because my amygdala is activated more than somebody that does not have PTSD. But even without a diagnosis of PTSD or anxiety, or, or whatever chronic stress really can lead to an overactive fear circuit in your brain. So when we say that, again, you don't have to have any of these labels, you don't have to have any of these disorders or diseases or, or mental illnesses, to have your amygdala constantly being activated in lighting up it the worst times. I know, right? So all of this is to say that that stress really does trigger more frequent amygdala hijacks, and an even more subsequent problems with their memory. So that's, so that's that, okay, so how so now we know a little bit about the amygdala, and what it does and why it's, it's plays such a crucial part. Now, I want to talk a little bit for a second about depression, about darkness about what it's like to feel so low, that you have no idea when it's going to end you have no idea if it will ever end, that was me a couple of weeks ago, I was in one of the lowest spots. And if you've ever been in one of those, if you've ever Gosh, been in a low before, it's a tear, it really is a terrible place to be because you do get this sense of tunnel vision, where all you can see is that depression in that darkness. And I had this I call it my depression room, where my, my room will just be covered in clothes. And that would just crap everywhere. And of course, I'm functioning because I have children. So I can only be in this deep darkness for so long before I have to go pick up my children and essentially put a mask on that, that that says I'm fine that I have to put this mask on that says, you know, I have to survive this situation. And right now I have to ignore those feelings in order to show up for my children, which sometimes for me is good and sometimes is really bad for me and not not healthy. But I was in a dark place. And this is this is very common for me where I kind of ride these waves of, I'll have these months and months and months of really good motivation is spot on. I feel like I'm living and working in my purpose. And I feel like I'm on my game. And then I get overwhelmed or bored or all these triggers that I have. And all of a sudden, I can just feel it. Feel it coming. You know what I'm talking about if you've ever had it before, it's like everything. I feel muted. That's the beginning of it, where it's like I'm, I'm functioning, I'm living my life, and I'm going out to dinner, I'm having a glass of wine with friends, I'm playing with my children, but it doesn't feel as happy as it usually does. Like, I'm usually this this bright yellow color, but somehow I'm this just like, kind of dingy. I'm that Goldenrod Korean. Yeah, even though Goldenrod is kind of a pretty color disregard that, you get it, I just I'm a shader to lighter than my original color. And that doesn't feel really well. And then I start focusing on Holy shit. I'm a an ugly version of yellow. It's starting to happen, it's happening, and then that and then everything just kind of goes to shit. And so if you've ever been there before, if you've ever had that darkness if you're currently in that that situation, where life is dark, I promise you it will end it always does. It really truly always does. And that that cloud lifts the chemical reactions within your brain and your body begins to subside and you kind of find your body's equilibrium, but it does and find what works for you in those times. It's you're not going to be your, quote normal self during those times, it's literally not going to happen. So stop forcing yourself to be something that you are just currently not. We have to give ourselves as much if not more grace, than we give other people. And we hand that grace out like fucking candy don't lead to other people. But for us, it's like it's that grace is like Almost buying a million dollar house that we just don't really want to pull the trigger on for ourselves, because we don't think we deserve it. So we have to give ourselves some grace. One of the things that I like to do when I know I'm in a dark period, and I'm just, it's gonna be a second before I get out of it is having just a really, really small attainable goal, that day that I can, I can hit that and feel like I won the day. And if I complete that thing by 9am, and I am exhausted, and I don't feel like doing anything else, then so be it. But at least I had that one win. Because for me, what happens is when I'm in that dark stage, and I just don't know, when I'm going to get out of it, I begin to then avoid more. I'm like, I'm dark. And I'm sad. And I don't want to move. So I stay in bed and I sleep a little bit longer. That's my go to yo, like, I'm asleep. Because what's easy, what the cool thing about sleeping is it's where I feel my most safe. And my entire life I have really struggled with with safety. So if you think of Maslow's, I just Yeah, yeah, Maslow thought I thought, his name hierarchy of needs that pyramid, the base of that pyramid is really all about that, that sense of security. And for me, I was always battling in childhood trying to find that level of safety and comfort, because my parents were very codependent with one another, and they would fight all the time. And we just never were really in a good financial situation. So I never really had that sense of safety from an early age. And that's hard for me now. And then after the sexual assault, that safety was taken out for me again. And so for me, and I just realized this in therapy, that I, I'm not necessarily avoiding my feelings, which actually makes me feel better, maybe a little bit, but I'm actually trying to find any semblance of safety. And for me, that's when I sleep. And I did that when I was a kid too. When I parents would fight, I'd go into my room, put the pillow over my head, put on music, and try not to hear them and fall asleep. And it's so funny how full circle, I guess it's not funny, because that's actually really sad. But full circle life is. And now that I'm doing it at 33 years old, and I've been doing it for a very, very long time. That's, that's heavy. I know, I know, this is a really, this is kind of like a heavy, crunchy, crunchy episode. But I really do want you to understand that there's so much more going on inside of our bodies than we truly understand. And while we have the ability to make ourselves spiral and feel like shittier, than we really need to because we are these meaning making machines, we are always adding meaning to everything. Do we want to assign things a good meeting or or a bad meeting? Meaning meeting meaning there we go. And so if you're depressed, if you're anxious, you're not alone. We're all here for each other. We're all depressed people that I never in a million years would ever admit or think that they would admit that they're depressed, have come to me and say, you know, Hey, I saw this post on social media about depression. And I really related to it, thank you, it made me feel less alone. And this is what I'm talking about. We are collectively going through something that is tragic, and impossibly exhausting with this pandemic. I don't know when it's gonna end I don't even this is not a political thing. I don't really care about the politics of, of any of this, or really politics in general anymore. But, but we are collectively going through something as humans. As humans, we are going through something, there's no difference between myself and you. There's no difference between you and this person, or a Democrat and a Republican or a Catholic and a Muslim. There's nothing. We are all humans. That's all end of story. period ended, and we are collectively going through something and imagine if we all could raise our hands instead of when someone said, Hey, how are you doing? Instead of saying, I'm fine, or I'm okay. What if we said you know what? I'm at my best right now. Things have been a little bit dark and heavy to hold, and I'm just trying to survive. How about you? What feelings are you waiting through? It's my new favorite question. Instead of how are you doing? Because at this point, I think everybody is just trying to drown. Instead of saying, How are you doing? What feelings are you waiting through? But we have all of these sources. We've all been brought up our entire lives to stigmatize mental health and mental illness is you know, weakened. You know, mental illness is weak, and it's not a real disease because we can't see See it. There's all of these these things, I think people are finally starting to realize that holy shit, their mental mental health is is truly truly important. Are you with me? Oh, another thing I wanted to talk about when it comes to depression. And anxiety is I've noticed that every time I'm in this, this dark state, I'm always, always after when, when the part or the clouds part and there's some sunshine brought back into my life and I start feeling a little bit more like my vibrant color of yellow that I typically am. I know that I'm about to level up. I truly do. Like there's always something that's happening. And I've gotten as you know, I've had my friend Lauren on here, who is my shamanic mentor, you're going to be seen a little bit more of her soon. But one of the things that, that I've truly learned from shamanism, is that we do possess everything within ourselves to heal, maybe for some of us that that that answer within us is to to get therapy, maybe that that healing answer within us is to get on Zoloft, like myself, whatever that that is for you, whatever that truth is for you and your situation, you have to search for it, you have to dig into that darkness and figure out what is going to work. Otherwise, we're going to stay stuck, we're going to stay stuck, and we're not going to move, move forward, we're not going to move in any direction and and that that sucks, like, why would we want to do that? Why, like why? Why would we want to stay stuck in this darkness. And if you're anything like me, that's the same shit that causes the darkness and the depression and the anxiety that I think about over and over and over and over again, that just keeps coming up. And you know what, it's all attached to some sort of core wound, or some portion of my inner psyche that I need to bring to the surface and heal. Which really gets us into this thought process of like, if they're excuse me into this concept of our internal family systems, you might have heard your ifs internal family systems, or reparent in your inner child. Again, I'm not an ifs therapist, but I do find this concept, extremely fascinating. So the whole whole objective behind ifs is that we are our personality, our brain, our inner person, or whatever you refer to it as is split into all these kind of like multi dimensional multifaceted personalities. Now I'm not talking about borderline personality disorder, I'm not talking about multiple personality disorders were those cause an issue we all had this inner board of directors, and we are the CEO, I'm just I'm the CEO of my, of my body. Okay, you got the chief of security, they're like, you know, don't get hit by a bus. These are all within you. You've got that, you know, the creative artists but the little Perrey with a feather in the cap, you've got, you know, a rock star in you that wants prestige and attention. You've got like we've got all of these things within us. Now, when we are told to put on our mask at an early age and live in a way that is according to society in the set of norms, there are some things that are going to stick out of our masks that we can't quite fit in in that mask all the way and completely hide. So we don't necessarily choose this mask member society puts this on us. So this wound happens this this you know this tragic thing happens or something happens and the internal family system is disrupted and shaken up let's just say for example, your lawyer but you love the GM out you love you know you love some some good punk rock music, it brings it back to your, your high school nostalgic days. You've got tats all up and down, but no one sees them because you wear a suit. But society says, Hey, this, you can't do that. You can't be a lawyer and a punk rock singer or, or in a jam band. So then we feel rejected. And it's just this this whole feeling of shame and disappointment. And it's why sometimes we feel this sense of restlessness that can cause depression or anxiety, because we're not living out a piece of ourselves that wants to come to the surface. Because we've pushed that piece of us down so far, that we've lost sight of that person and most of the time that piece that we are pushing so far down, is our best self is the piece to our personality that is going to help bring the life that we want to the forefront. Think about that for a second. Can you think of something that maybe you're pushing down or or you're rejecting about yourself that you just keep coming back to it, I think you should explore that I really, really do. And if you want to pause it right now, this would be a good place to pause, and just journal for a second, which pieces of your personality? Are you pushing down? Are you not proud of because the world has told you not to be proud of that, not to be proud of that. So go ahead and pause it if you want. Otherwise, we'll keep moving. And sometimes sometimes our board of directors within, within us, within our internal family system has these emergency meetings, and these emergency board meetings. You know, you start thinking things like, If my mom looks at me like that one more time, I'm going to lose my shit. I can't take rejection anymore. So these pieces of you that just don't fit the expectation that your family has for you, or society, they seem to get kicked off of that board of directors. So for example, going back to the lawyer and the you know, the punk rock band singer, that doesn't fit with the expectation of being a lawyer. So therefore, that that rock star that that punk rock lead singer is kicked off of the board put into a closet locked up dead bolted, you know, no, do not come out of there at all. Maybe you were once an artist and love to paint, but it just doesn't jive with being a mom anymore. There's no time. Or maybe you loved you know, you really loved poetry or sports or whatever that might be, but it doesn't fit into the standard or the the mold that society has laid for us. And I think if anything, these times that we are living now, with one, the pandemic showing us that we can slow down, that we should slow down and that we need to slow down. We're also learning that there truly is no time like the present to go out and create the version of ourselves and live a life by our own design that we want. We can do that. The worst, you know is when that punk rock band singer, that lead singer of the punk rock band, how to put it, you know, they pushed him into that coat closet and he's locked in Dead bolted dead bolted in there, he starts banging on the door like he's had enough. Enough is enough. I've been able to sit here quietly, I've been fine. Like, come on. It's because that Rockstar, Rockstar or your inner artist, or your poet, or that non binary human or that trans person or that non Christian or whatever label you are trying to kick out is still listening to that board meeting. They still hear everything that is going on. But then over time, it's getting boring behind that door. So then that board member decides you know, I'm going to unlock it. But I'm gonna put you in the hall, get shunned that lead singer that band gets shunned into the hall nuff as enough. Pull the emergency brakes you're out of here. And what happens? So all this is happening on in your internal psyche, you get panic attacks, you get you get depressed you think okay, well, if you're suppressing this, this major part of who you are as a person, and you're keeping it down in the deep depths, hollows of your darkened soul to be dramatic. It's still a part of you, it hasn't gone anywhere, especially if that is in line with your highest self there is no stopping that piece of you from coming out, it's going to come out. So do you want to come out in a way that is going to make you happy? Or do you want to go off and have a midlife crisis and freak the fuck out? Because eventually that's what's going to happen it will happen I promise you. Otherwise, you're gonna have panic attacks get depressed and anxious. You get restless, ain't angsty, you had that crisis. quarterlife crisis, that's my new favorite term. somebody the other day, she's like, I'm 25. And I'm experiencing a quarter life crisis. It's funny to me, but part of our core has been so suppressed for so long that when, when that emergency brake is pulled in, we are at that part of our psyche that we're suppressing is, is thrown into the hall, we do this complete 180 and almost binge on everything that sparks that label of that board member chilling in the hall. Like we start being rebels, something is D calibrated with you, in you, your compass is off, but you still have to go on with life, we still have to make decisions. We still even though we are suppressing a major part of who we are, we have to figure out how we are going to survive in this world. So when we you know when you continue to deviate maybe two or three years from that core of who you are, and you shun that board member in the hall for so long. Then you do it. Let's say for three years out of college, no big deal. You're not too far off the tracks if you think of like if you think of like a graph You're not too far off the mark. Okay, you're not too far from where you started. But when you keep going and you keep shining, and you keep pushing that down and down and down, that gap between your current life path, and your life's purpose begins to get massive. And some of us know, it's so massive, but we continue. Some of us take a hard left turn, we take the mask off, we, you know, we break a lot of shit, we wreck a lot of things, we make risky decisions in the name of finding ourselves, because we just can't take it anymore. But if we step back, and we let that punk rock singer board member, explain itself, that that punk rock singer, they have their day in the court, they have, maybe it's the artist that you thought you were, or whatever that piece is, you have your day in court, you actually realize that the pulling of the emergency brake was actually justified. She tried, you know, she she really did, you didn't listen, like that that inner board member, they tried the board of directors, they tried to get your attention, all attempts to call email, write text, nothing worked, they had to do something to get your attention. So the emergency brake was the only option, that board member that piece of your identity, that part of your mass that you believe needed to get your attention. Because you were so far from the core identity of your life's mission of your life's purpose. It just can couldn't handle watching the absurdity that was taking place. At some point, your board members, your internal board members, and at different times each member will be parachuted in to you to help you find your life's mission. We have all of these, we compile these different pieces to our personality. As we continue to grow. Some pieces of our personality are different ages and stages of ourselves. This is where inner parenting or excuse me parenting your inner child comes from which is a whole nother whole nother tangent, but all of these things right. At some point, your board members right they you get to get parachuted you're parachuted in you and they form these safety mechanisms, they they form your personality. But then when you are so far from that life's purpose from the being that that punk rock singer and I know that I keep saying singer or artist or whatever, like it doesn't have to be this rock star on stage. But it's just, it's just a matter of defining something that is so intrinsically you and not allowing that to come forth in this world because of the expectations that society is put on us. And when that happens when board members, especially connected to our life's purpose are exiled. It widens the gap. It creates anxiety, anxiety, and depression and restlessness and discontentment. We feel a lack of fulfillment and all of these things. There's so much pain and discontent. That's your exile board member. You're numbing you're avoiding whatever member that is. You can't escape it. You can't you really cannot. Because what if someone saw that in you? What if someone got to know that side of you? It would rip you to shreds. If they were disappointed it would rip you to shreds if if they didn't love it the way that you loved it. What if you were vulnerable enough to say, Hey, I know I've been a lawyer my entire life. But I really do want to start I want to start rolling up my sleeves. I want to show my tats. I want to put my nose ring back in. I want to be both things. Why can't I be a lawyer? And really like loud screamo music? Why can't I? Who said Who told you that? So if any of this resonated if you if you're like yep, I feel this all the time. I go through these periods of darkness I had these periods of restlessness or discontentment or lack of fulfillment, or whatever that is for you and your personal situation because we're all in a different story on a different journey. If any of that resonated with you, I really highly encourage you to dig deep into those shadows and find that person you exiled a long time ago. And you don't have to necessarily be that person, every bit of that person. But maybe there's something that you can take from it. For example. I've always been a very creative person that's a part of who I am. I love music. I love art. I just I love creating things. And after becoming a mom, it seems like we're just in survival mode. We're trying to keep our kids alive. We're trying to keep our mental sanity, and you lose track of the things that were once important to you. And I know that I have done that. And so it was something as simple as doing like a, like a quick bathroom remodel. I know that sounds like that. Quick, I promise you it was, but it was something I had on some really good music and I was remodeling the bathroom and I was thinking about nothing except for the task at hand. And I was in my element. And I felt so good for the next few days. And so I traced it back and I realized that I am a creator at heart, when I am not creating things when I met, creating or doing something that provides a level of fulfillment for me, then that is me exiling a piece of my personality that wants to make an impact that wants to be creative. And when that happens for too long, and I stray too far from that core personality trait of who I am, I get restless, and then that restlessness begins to spiral into discontentment. I feel unfulfilled and I get depressed and anxious. And I'm just plain old board. We all have them. I really hope that you go in find yours. And I would love I would love to hear how that is going for you. I would love to hear message message the podcast Instagram we are at consciously dot unbecoming on Instagram would love to hear which board member you have exiled and what you're gonna do about it because you're not living into your truth and at times. I'm not either, and we deserve that. We definitely deserve that piece to our lives. Thanks so much. I'm really glad that you were able to stick around with me today. And I will see you or hear you listen to you speak to you. There we go. I will chat with you on the next episode of consciously unbecoming. Talk soon