3. What Happens When We Take The Mask Off?

Hey ya beautiful badass! 

Episode 3 is all about, well, a lot. HA! We discuss:

1. Childhood beliefs and how they show up in our adult lives: 
Examples: 

• Must hit revenue this quarter or I don't deserve love, even from my self
• Must hit goals or I don't deserve love
• Must have a perfect body or I don't deserve love
• Must BE a certain type of mom, wife, sister, daughter, husband, brother, dad and If I take my mask off, If I try to be something different - no love.

2. The three things all kiddos want from caregivers - we wanted them too
....and when we don't get these three things, how it impacts us/them as adults.

3. How trauma impacts our belief systems
Trigger Warning - we discuss sexual assault in this one at times. 

Enjoy!

Jess and Lisa

Transcript

Unknown: 0:03

Welcome back to episode three of the consciously unbecoming podcast. If you are back for a third time, we have total imposter syndrome, I cannot believe you're here. If this is your first time listening, thank you, we are so grateful that you're here and buckle up for a wild ride. But either way, we're pumped that you're here and you're hanging out with us. I am Jess. And I am Lisa, and greatly appreciate you being part of this with us. So thanks. Yes, yes, we seriously can't believe that we were looking at our downloads the other day. And I believe I told Lisa, I can't believe people outside of just my sisters are downloading this podcast. Right? Exactly. Um, so we're again, we're glad you're here. And let's get started, shall we? Let's do it. So the last episode, we were really discussing the birthplace of our beliefs. So we're really going to jump into that today and really source those beliefs. Because at the end of the day, we can't heal what we don't know. We can't take a look at these beliefs and learn to see them through a different lens. If we don't understand where they came from. Would you agree with that? Or my off base? Oh, yeah, no, that's exactly it. So that's what we're gonna be talking about. But before we get started, are you in a place where you want to pull a tarot card today? Or is that not a thing? No, yeah, I can do that. I caught her off. I caught her off, off base there. Let's see. And again, I'm just choosing a card like a collective message for listeners today. So it doesn't matter a ladder. Can you go to lottery numbers, lottery numbers? I wish that would be cool. I mean, I've never actually tried to apply them. Maybe Maybe there's something Okay, one, I'm just pulling two cards. Okay. Okay, so remember, remember we draw that we draw Tarot because we and you could speak to this more. But the main the main reason is because we believe in to the Divinity we believe in and the ability for Spirit source universe, our guides to kind of work through us within this tangible carved form. Right? That was you. Okay, yeah, you're the expert, not me. Well, I'm not in Taro. And I should be clear about that. For me. It's been a hobby over the last few years. So I know what I know. Um, but I'm not an expert in it. But these are actually oral. Sorry, I got to take one of these out. These are oracle cards. And so they're a little bit different than Taro. But I love this deck. I think I use this deck maybe the last time it's the Psychic Tarot by John Holland is an amazing medium, if anyone's told me about it or not. Yeah. So the first card that I got is actually the three of coins, which is recognition and reward. So and then the other card is rest and rejuvenate, which is is the four of swords and a regular tarot deck. So I sort of see this typically when this comes up, it's like there's something going on or something that you're working on. Sometimes it's a collaboration with other people. And whatever it is, it's just showing some sort of recognition or success within whatever that thing is that you're working on. And the other part is rest and rejuvenate. So there's something right now you might be as a listener, in a place of contemplation, meditation, or even just needing rest, in order to feel balanced. So it can take on a few different meanings, but it's either way feels like one, it could be that people have been working pretty hard on something. And there's going to be some recognition for the work that they've been doing. And they can finally now sit and rest and allow things to take their course. Oh, I love that. So I love that last piece that you just mentioned, because as you were saying that the message that I was getting was stop forcing it. Like you've already put in the work. Yeah, already done what you need to do. Now just let things unfold in their divine timing. Yes. I think that's a great way to wrap that Yes. Like Well, let's let's jump into going back to belief so we really we were talking about the masks that we wear last time and, and there's nothing wrong with wearing these masks. We all do them. It's a part of being able to show up as a human In all the different circumstances that life presents and the way that we ended, the last episode was with a quote that a statement of a statement of our reality that we believe is the truth. That is what I believe is a statement of our reality that we believe is the truth. And I know you had mentioned, Lisa, that we wanted to talk a little bit about kind of the perspective of beliefs. I just took that note down, do you remember what you wanted to say to that perspective of beliefs? Hmm, I'm not sure what I was talking about exactly when I said that. Unless I was sort of making the distinction that our perspectives are all incredibly unique to our life experiences. So you and I could have an experience together, but how we internalizing or internalize and create meaning around that experience? is very, it's very specific to our personal perspective. Does that make sense? Absolutely. Okay, and what what we said these masks that we put on that we wake up every day we put on a lot of them come from survival mechanisms, or they come from just beliefs that we have learned that there's nothing wrong with these right? There's nothing wrong to want really make great success, but for at once, well, they're wanting prestige or anything like that, that's okay to want these things. There's nothing wrong with that. But what what at what fucking costs? Right? At what fucking costs? So, you know, oh, go ahead. Oh, no, I was just thinking about, you know, there is you're right there, there is a purpose to this false mask that we create. In our parents kind of do this most parents kind hearted. It's not like all parents are trying to fuck us up, right? Because they want us to learn how to function in society. They want us to learn how to become obedient, so we can function in school, we can function in jobs, we can function in society. So there's a reason why that conditioning exists. It's just we become further and further away from the truths of our true self, and can step into this more false self or as you're referring to as the mask. Because that we've just kind of tried to figure out well, this is how you function and this is how I make my way into the world because all these parts of myself that I've been told are not okay, really, because they're at the cost of the adults around us. Right. It's like, we have in, you know, as children, we, we tend to attune to the needs of our caregivers. And when we do that, we that's how we start to lose those pieces. It's like, God forbid, we're willful, or quote unquote, difficult, or cry, or show any sort of aggression or something like that, then that, in turn, we get these reactions or responses for the the adults around us, and we start to stuff those things away. But those are all parts of ourselves. That's what a lot of people refer to as the shadow. I can't wait to dig into that piece. So I when you were saying that it reminded me of not too long ago, I noticed this happening with my daughter Nora, who's about to be seven and she would call out to me in maybe it was in the middle of the night or just you know, she's upstairs. I'm downstairs like Ma. Nice, always screaming Of course, I go up there. And she would always start with like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I'm bothering you. Sorry, this. Yes. My thought was, I'm not saying anything to her to make her feel like a burden. My Words aren't showing her that I'm annoyed. But my actions were it was the stuff you know, stomping up the stairs. It was oh, it was what do you need? It was my voice vocal tonality. It was all of these things. Yeah. And I now am, for the most part aware enough to say, Okay, I'm starting to give her a lair to herself. But I don't think I want to be giving her a burden complex, which is something I struggle heavily with. I don't want her to feel like a burden. I want her to feel like it's okay for her to raise her hand and ask for what she needs. And so I have I have to stop myself. And now I pour back into her. And when she calls me and she really does need me, I go up there and I say, hey, what can I get your or thank you so much for telling me what you needed. That's great. Yes. And just getting that wisdom into her. Because that's so important to be able to say what our needs are. Yes. Yeah, I think That's a great example. I'm sort of going through the same thing too, with my daughter, who has been bold and loud. And like, she knows how to get her needs met She has since she came out of the womb. But I, my husband and I talked about not suppressing that aspect of her, but just helping her to learn how to manage it in a way that's going to help her and not, you know, but there, there's me conditioning, I have to like, be mindful of that. It's like, I don't want to suppress her voice. I think it's so important. At the same time, I'm also trying to teach her how to speak respectfully with people at the same time. So it's a fine line. It's a fight that isn't that so I've, that's such a catch. 22 Where it's like we won, we want these tiny humans to show up in the world, authentically as themselves, but then we're having to almost can't societal societally we're Yeah, yeah. So we have to, we're conditioning them in a way to be like this. You should show up with that. So it's like, here's a level of boldness that you have. But here's how to use it effectively. And I I don't think there's, I don't think there's a lot wrong with that. There's a few things wrong with that. Yeah, there's a way there are studies like we can't just we have to show up in a way that semi conforms with society. Yeah. Right. I don't I don't know, how can you help me with this thought I can't really articulate it like we have to have, there are rules in society that we have to follow. And I always think so. For instance, like, I'm really involved with the women's marches that go on, and really having that autonomy over our bodies like that is really important to me. But I know, because of my training and what I've done for a living, but then also just studying people that I can't go off the rails and start screaming and punching holes and walls, even though I can I'm that angry and rageful. Inside sometimes, yeah, about this, I have to present my way or at present my thought in a more diplomatic way. And so I think that it's, it's hard to explain that to a tiny human. Yeah, yes. But that's a really good example. I think, you know, what I mean? That how do you channel that energy in a way that's productive, and that you are seen, and you are heard, and you can use that angry energy to like, make change in the world, or do something good with it? I think about my I think about just having worked in a lot of industries that are male dominated, and being a female leader, and sometimes I worry, you know, do they respect me as if I was a man? Would this be different? All of these things, right? Or sometimes I'll get a little pushback. And it's that, okay, I feel that ego coming up right now where I want to, like assert myself and be like, hey, what you did there felt disrespectful. But then it's also like, is this a battle that I want to fight right now? Or am I trying to win the big the big picture? And so it's having that, that awareness of what's going around going on around us? And then also an awareness of that other person's emotional intelligence? Because if they're not very emotionally intelligent, why fucking bother? Is that bad? So bad to say, oh, no, but it's true. And you're not necessarily meant to be the teacher for that person? Sometimes you are sometimes I think there's, you know, but I think you're right, you know, um, I don't know, that's a big question that you just asked, actually, I know, Mike, we can't pick every battle. But we also can't, like, When is it okay for your ego to come up? Because a lot of times people talk about the ego in a negative way. And there, there is a negative, there are negative aspects of the ego. But the ego is really responsible for a lot of other good things about us as well. Right? Yeah, yeah. Or should we need our ego? Yeah. And it sort of goes back to what we were just saying about even just being able to function in the social worlds. You do need your ego it's just not allowing ego to take over to take over the way origination Well, can you give an example how your ego you know, nothing is coming to mind right. Now. What about in that in that situation that I just described like working with within a male dominated industry and wanting to have respect is there can you have an example there? Have I've what exactly, I've where the ego would be unhealthy? Well, if you are allowed to take it, when you allow yourself to really, when you make it personal, I guess that can be a little challenging for you, because then you can sit and you can stew in all those angry, angry feelings, you can take an opportunity to recognize, okay, this isn't about me, this is about this guy. And this is about his need to feel like superior in the eyes of a woman, you know, or in this sort of like working dynamic. But it's not about me personally. Sometimes it's about taking the personal piece about it. But everybody's different also, because a lot of women, right, like, we've been in positions where often we are seen as less than for men. And that's something that we're trying to overcome. Like, maybe we're trying to use our voice. And that's a challenge for like us. That's a one for me, personally, is using my voice standing up for myself. So then I would have to gauge is this one of those places? Where for me in my growth, right, is this place where I challenge myself to use my voice? Because that's important for me personally. Wow. Does that make sense? That's amazing. I love what you just said there. And I think that really brings it back to to what we're talking about today is where did that belief come from? I mean, that's what that whole, this whole podcast is about, is that conditioning that society or our families or, you know, whomever, on our self, like the version of ourselves that we are and how we show up that conditioning, and where does it come from? And I just, I think, okay, so I think about children, I like I we're gonna talk a lot about kids in this whole podcast, one because we're moms, but two, because we were all children at some point. Yeah, like everybody on this. Listening has been a child. That's so at some point. In so think about your kids, if you have kids, or if you don't have children think about when you see movies, okay? And the parent comes home for from a long day at work. And what happens when you come in from from being gone for a long time, Lisa, what do your kids do? Well, maybe when they were younger, your kids are a little bit older now. Like if I've been gone for a long time, and I come in the door. Well, it's different now. But yes, when I was when they were younger, they would come running to me and want to be close to me and hug me and give me all sorts of attention. Exactly. That's, that's what they do. I mean, yeah, my kids do that, too. And it's interesting, because I think that we can really boil down human. I guess human wants and needs down to the three icon, the three A's affection, attention, acknowledgement. Instead of just like I study this yet, affection, attention, acknowledgement. What does that? What does that evoke? When I say that to you, Lisa? I think you just sort of summed up in three words, what all of us actually are seeking. It's a big part of what we're all seeking, even as adults, but especially as children, especially as children. Oh, and think about that, to think about when as a parent, just if you want to think about your own parents for a second, or you want to think about how you show up with your your children. Go ahead. Well, I'm going to say I was going to say you can boil those three words down to one word, which is connection. Oh, my job. We're gonna end the pod podcast right now. But yeah, no, we're not stay with us. Connection. That's yeah, wow. Well, I think about the the kids so your kids come running to you. Or if you were a child at once, like you were and your parents come in the door, and you go running to them, and they don't reciprocate that excitement. What happens? Well, you internalize the messages. Wait, did you say like if we were to go to our parents as children was the origin? Yeah. If you were to run to your parents and they didn't reciprocate, or even if your kids run to you and you don't reciprocate? Sure, yeah. Then there's all these messages that they're too busy. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth their time. I'm a bother in some way. Right burden. I'm a burden. But and just just to clarify, I'm not talking about that one time you came in your door, and your kid you know, and you were on the phone and your kids were running at Union give them The attention like that's not gonna fuck them up. I'm talking about like the consistent messages that our children or we received as children that are that level of enthusiasm wasn't met in the same way. It's, it's when it's a pattern, right? I think it's really good to clarify that because I was thinking about that conversation that we had had the last podcast about parenting and letting your child cry it out. And I don't, I do not in any way want to give this message like, you've officially fucked your children up, because you'll let them cry it out. Like I don't believe that at all. And it's interesting, because it's all about how children internalize messages. And we don't know how a child is going to internalize a message at all. Because the fact of the matter is, somebody may let their children cried out, and they turn out to be incredibly self sufficient children. Like there's all these good things that can come of it. So it's like, you just never you just don't know. But I think you're right, it's more about what can be a neglectful pattern, or an abusive pattern, or you know what I mean? Yeah, that style of communication or the communication patterns in the household on an ongoing basis, that will have a direct impact on how, who we become as adults. Yeah, I mean, it's different. You know, if you put your child in their crib, and you just let them cry while you go do whatever the hell it is that you want to do, and you're neglectful in that situation, and you're not, you know, you're not taking care of their needs, that's a different story like that is going to have an but trying to sleep train your child, so the household can sleep better, like that's a different story. So I'm glad you brought that up. So exactly. We don't know what messages are going to stick within our brains. We don't know what messages are gonna stick within our kids or what stuck with us as children. The like I said, I always love to use this one for school, because when your kid comes home and got an A on a test, and you praise them, like we don't realize that we're conditioning them for when you're successful, or when you achieve, then your deserve love. Like we don't, no parent is going to be like, I you know, what I really want to instill right now when I tell them congratulations is I want them to think that they their their love is conditional on how they achieve. I mean, I don't think there's many good loving parents out there that think that, but really, that's what it ultimately over time the brain sees, hey, when I score a goal and in soccer, or I get an A on a test, or I do x, y, and z, then everybody praises me and loves me. And that feels really fucking good. Like that. And so the brain is now saying, Hey, this is I like this feeling of praise and achievement. But the problem is, as we get older, we almost plateau like that achievement level, doesn't feel as good as it used to be. It doesn't give us that rush of hormones in our brain surging through our body, like it used to. And so we're always looking for more and more and more and more and more. And then all sudden, we're fucking hustling all the time. And it's never enough. Yeah. I said, let's go back to that the concept of the affection, attention and acknowledgement. So, there's so many things that our kids see us doing. There's so many things that that we saw our parents doing. And we're always trying to compete as kids for that affection for that attention. They want to be, you know, we wanted to be acknowledged, but then when we don't get that it's interesting, the different types of beliefs that our self can take on. Do you wanna speak to that to speak on? I don't know, just what are some beliefs that come to your mind? That we take on as children? Yes, yeah. Yeah, um, well, I mean, I don't know, I guess like, if we talk about different examples, I can sort of clarify to what things we might internalize. But we definitely internalize a role or an identity, I think, based on those messages that we internalize. I also wanted to say to like, we haven't really gotten into trauma per se, yet, but for whatever reason, is like kind of stirring around in my brain. It's just that, um, a lot of people don't recognize realize that trauma is not an event that happens in our life. But it's something that there's the event, but then there's the meaning that we assign to it. That's actually what the trauma is. I think that's why two people can, let's say, you know, grow up in households that are really chaotic, stressful. but have but internalized very different messages about themselves based on the ongoing ongoing what could be seem like an a traumatic event? I don't know if I'm using the right words to describe your but do you know what I mean? Yes, yeah, more people can be in a car accident, like a severe car accident, right, have a very similar experience for one person, they walk away from it. They're like, Thank God that's over. I'm okay, I'm alive. Another person could have significant PTSD. And it has to do with the messages that we internalized from that experience. Yeah, the messages that we internalize, but then also the framework framework of our brain from birth until up until that point, too. Yeah, so really is like, I'm a believer that its nature and nurture. It's not one or the other. Yes, I and so it's that it's that environment on all those belief systems that have led you up to that point? I think to get you there. I mean, I'll I think this is I'm getting really big messages just talk about this too. But I was sexually assaulted back in March of 2021. And I kept saying to myself, there is first off, if this trigger warning, I'm going to talk a little bit about sexual assaults and being drugged. And so I will put in the comments where you can pick back up, so you don't hear this. Okay. But if you're still with us, so after that sexual assault happened, I remember thinking to myself, there's no good time to be sexually assaulted. I'm not saying that everyone. No one deserves it. But I remember thinking in this juncture in my life, in this season of my life, I am the most evolved, and I guess I have laid the framework for this for to be able to, to survive this. Yes, it's because of all of the inner work that I've done, and the studying and everything. But I think to myself, like if this would have happened to me 10 years ago, I just don't know where I wouldn't be talking about it right now. Right? And just you feel like, is there an internal part of yourself that creeps up ever that says, Well, you because you know, things that you know that you should be in a different place about this? Or you should be having a different experience based on all the work all the personal work that you've done? Yes. What a great question. So absolutely. And I know, I didn't realize how numb I had been until maybe a couple months ago, when I started feeling really fucking mad. And then I was like, Oh, hi, I've been numb for a really long time. And what I find what I find to be interesting about that is like, I wasn't completely avoiding the feelings. Was it like not dealing with them? I was dealing, but I had, what I had done is I knew this person's history, yo, he was molested as a child. I am not excusing his behavior, but I understood where it was coming from. And for me, that was putting a logical, pretty little bow on an irrational emotional situation. So my brain could be like, Oh, okay, well, that at least makes sense. At least makes sense. So I had adopted this mindset. I'm I don't know if you remember this, but this was one of our first conversations of, of just rising above, like, I forgive him. Right, like, right out of the gate. That's how I felt and then, but that was me, essentially avoiding a lot of the hard feelings that come with that. So to answer your question, I do feel like I should have been a little bit further along. But then also, I realized that this situation has been a catalyst for a lot of good things, and change within myself. And also knowing that things happen in the time that they're supposed to happen in. And there's some big, there's just a big massive learning journey that I'm, I'm learning right now. And I'm welcoming that. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for being so candid and honest about that experience, and kind of what this, I guess, internal process has been for you? Yes, yes. Well, thank you. You've made a nice space for me to be able to say that, but I just so all of that all of that really goes back to the conditioning that led up to that moment of that sexual assault, where my brain was where my heart was my spiritual work, all of these things. And I think about these young humans that are in their early 20s Or I look at the issues of sexual assault on campus, and it's like it's out of control where And the homeless like, people are like, Yeah, I've been, you know, yeah, I know three people that have been sexually assaulted like that people are desensitized to it. And I look at all these young humans whose brains literally are not fully developed at at this point. And I think, Oh, my God, like, how are you going to survive this? When it just about did me in at 33? Yeah, yeah. Well, I can talk about my personal experience with that. Yeah. And I, you know, when I was 18, I was sexually assaulted. And I was not emotionally equipped to handle the situation when it did. And so, what I did, you know, the way I process that is I really stuffed it down far. And I just drank my face off. And, you know, did whatever, you know, I smoked a lot of pot and dabbled into things here and there. But like, I basically just shut my emotions off and didn't even realize that that's what I was doing. Because I don't think I did it on a conscious level. I just wanted to have a normal college experience, it happened within my first two months of being at school, I also went to a party, there was a person that I liked, he knew I liked him, he paid no attention to me up until that point at party. At some point, I'll share this story, because it's really actually kind of wild, I was used, I basically was used to get into a fraternity, it's my understanding. But that was my first experience having sex. And, um, I put a lot of blame on myself for that experience, I thought, Well, I went to the party, and I drank, and maybe I shouldn't drink so much. But he kept handing me drinks. And I didn't really know why. And he seemed like he was really into me. And I didn't have to go up to his place, because I actually just intended to maybe make out because I just didn't even really know him. At the time. I wasn't interested in sleeping with him. But he was pretty pushy about it. And then I know, at some point, I finally gave them because they didn't physically have it in me to stop what was happening. So I didn't use my voice, maybe as as I should have, you know, that was like a personal pattern. For me, I felt kind of like a deer in headlights. So maybe I didn't say no loud enough, you know, it's like, you start to do like, kind of blame yourself for the situation. And I did that for a very long time. And then because I didn't allow myself to feel any of it for so long. It kind of creeped back up when I was like later in my 20s, maybe 2827 when I actually started to go to therapy and kind of explored a bit for myself. And I was like, oh, fuck, actually, this does impact me every time my partner would kind of play around physically with me, I would have what felt like a panic attack or because I think my body more. It's interesting, I don't have a lot of memory from the experience. Like, within my mind, my body remembers very well, there's a part of me that stays very sort of, or did for a long time just very constricted. Because I think it went into some sort of safety mode. And so I don't know where I'm going with this conversation, but talking, it's just interesting, the way you know, whether you're a young person and you go through this kind of like violation or even as What did you say 33 year old woman where you feel like you know yourself well and you have this sort of set of coping skills. Um, it's like, either way, it has a pretty direct impact on kind of like your life you know, you guys well, thank you Lisa, for sharing that with me there was bits and pieces in there that I didn't know yet and I just I hate that this level of evil exist in the world. But so, but what's interesting is you mentioned earlier to the whole belief of trying to use my voice more. And then you you almost like, I'm sure that there's ties to that, that not using your voice there, we can trace it even further back but it's interesting how you recognize that pattern. And then that pattern also shows up in your current day in your current life. And you know that that is something that you're working on so one of your it's a little bit of your shadow work. I realized I had a really big realization I texted you about it the other night that my longest or where you know I have, I have been I've always thought of myself as this really emotionally open person where I am okay with talking about a lot Have things and I am. But I also realize that I'm also not, I think what makes me feel like I'm very emotionally open, is I often create spaces for people that allows them to be really vulnerable with me. But then in turn, I don't really have to say anything, because they're talking to us. And my therapist that last week, I was talking about all of these things that I was having trouble with in it, which is just relationships in general. And it's feeling like I, I don't have a space to feel emotionally held. Yes, I feel that the level of my depth and the things that I've gone through in life are so heavy, and burdensome, that one, people aren't going to have the capacity to actually be able to hold all of that, to when they figure this out about me, it's going to be too heavy, and they're not going to stick around. And three, I'm such an internal iser, that I have thought about these things, 100 different ways. So by the time I even add, the cups are at the point to be able to share my emotions with someone, I'm so fucking exhausted from internally dealing with them. And also, I've already figured it out. So why bother? Right? I learned that about myself. And I love that that concept of it. When we, when we're looking outward when we're extrinsically, trying to find a solution to a problem, it 99 times out of 100. That's a real stat guys just getting when we're looking outward for a solution. It's probably not the right solution. It's be it's going inward. And here's an example of that. So my husband and I talk about this all the time, it's been a big issue for us. And I don't want to say big, but it's been an ongoing issue for us, is I feel so emotionally evolved and intelligent. And I have this understanding and awareness of myself and other people. And that's just not That's not his strong suit. And he'll talk about that. But I tell him, I often like I was blamed him. I'm like, you don't have the capacity for that and look at your upbringing. Like, that's okay. Like, I'm glad, like, I'm glad that's who he is, like, you just were you lived in this really safe space with not a lot of confrontation, it was a safe space. Me, I lived in the opposite. It was not a safe space, I often bottled things I didn't want to be vulnerable, I needed to keep the peace. So all of these things. And I bet I'm blaming him and saying, Well, if you like you're not able to emotionally hold me, or at least create a space where I can say to you, hey, I'm vulnerable enough to allow you to hold these emotions for me or with me, I have for me. But what's interesting is when I was trying to seek extrinsically and blame it on him and blame it on friends or family members, my therapist was like, would you even know what to do if somebody did create that space for you? And I was like, Holy shit, don't go outward for solutions go inward, bitch go inward. That is that's a me thing. I'm not saying that there aren't issues with other people that we need to work through together. But imagine if everybody went inward to heal things and to work on things before they went to assess blame on other people. And the situation's. Yes. Yeah. That was a lot. I mean, that's, yeah, it's such an important piece. I mean, this world in general, would be far more peaceful if we all actually directed our focus inward and worked on ourselves there you know, I don't know would more exist would fighting exist? You know what I mean? It's because we all need to find peace within ourselves. So yes, because we're we're meaning seeking individuals we're always looking for meaning we're always seeking meeting goes back to that affection, attention and acknowledgement as as children you know, when when I do something, they send me to my room. Why can't I have that dessert after dinner? You know, why do you have to go to work? Why are you leaving me? Like why do you have to go make money? Why do I have to freakin go to school? Like, why am I being criticized by my parents always complaining about money or fighting? It's that these kids are seeing those things play out in the day to day and then they're assigning the meaning to it. So when we're little, our parents, our caregivers, though they represent people. They represent, you know, our mom represents one you know, a woman. Our dad represents a man so our brain starts Making the sweeping assumptions about our beliefs and statements of reality. And when we come into this world, we're giving meaning to those things. You know, when my parents, like my parents complained about money all the time, we never seem to have it. So in my mind that great, okay, money is scarce, it's hard to get, there's always going to be a struggle. They Oh, my parents are worrying about it again. So now my brain is saying, Okay, there's evidence I need to support this belief. Yes. Yeah. So that was, I don't know what any final thoughts on some of the stuff that we talked about today? Oh, one thing I was sort of sitting with where you were just talking a little while ago was the importance of being open to receiving. So I think sometimes, because of like, when our needs or emotional needs aren't met, when we're children, for variety of reasons, right? We then kind of think, well, I'm not going to bother reaching out for support, because nobody else seems to care or prioritize my needs. So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hold them all down. And then we each do something different with them, right? But that working on being open to receiving is the thing that people don't necessarily think about. And it's important, sometimes we go, Oh, my God, why can't I just find a partner who listens to me? Or shows care? For me? Sometimes it's important to do the other piece of okay, well, am I actually open to that? Kind of like the example you were giving before? Right with your husband? It's like, but am I really open to it? Is there a part of me that's closed off? Even though I don't, you know, I may desperately want it? What would I do with it? Right? So, yeah, and that is, like, really, the beauty of relationships in general, is that open, equal reciprocity, that's like the recipe for a healthy relationship, it's the constant giving and receiving. So, you know, we can be givers all we want, but if we're not open to receiving the same energy back, and it's not flowing, in that I'm Italian, I talk with my hands, I keep catching myself. Camera. Um, yeah, that sort of infinity symbol just keeps popping into my head. But it's like that equal give and take, give and take, give and take, and it flows freely. But we have to be we have to hold both energy, both giving and receiving. Yes, I mean, I just get really anxious thinking about having that open space to actually truly say everything that I'm feeling, and it makes me want to die a little bit. But I also know, having been, you know, gone through a lot, and I don't love diagnoses. And I know, you're kind of the same way, because I think that they capture a place in time where we are. But they do also give a name to something maybe that we never knew that we were experiencing. And it can be a little bit liberating. And when I realized that I have complex PTSD from childhood, so not one event, it's you know, it's not like I had been a veteran and experienced something terrible. I didn't see someone get shot in front of me in the streets. But it was a culmination of all of these different things. And when I learned that about myself, it, it made, it made a big difference in, in how I showed up, and how I understood myself and the ability to give myself a lot more, a lot more grace. Yes, if you will, it's beautiful. Well, well, and I think to a lot of what we talked about today is really unspoken expectations that are put on us through our family's culture through society. And they start to shape our worldview so I heard this story held by style by tell it right, but I heard a story I can't remember where it was, but you know, that this dad, he loved and adored his son, they were always always doing things and they're always like, just buds. And he, you know, he said, you know, Tim, you can grow up you can be whatever you want. You can be whomever you want. I'm a doctor, your grandfather, as a doctor, your grandmother as a doctor, but you don't have to be a doctor. If you don't want you will love you no matter what. So Tim goes to school that day and dreams about being a pirate, but knows that it would impress his family more if he was a doctor. So Tim was constantly yearning for that his father's love, even though he already had it. He wanted that next level of love that that unspoken expectation. Like almost like there's this this piece of this love and relationship that's lingering there that he could tap into and go deeper with. So unspoken Lee, his his dad said, you know, if you if you want love and attention from me, you'll be a doctor to that and say that though, right? His dad said, You can be whatever you want. I don't care will love you no matter what. But that is an unsaid expectation that somehow Tim internalized and said, Hey, there's a deeper level of love and affection here that I want. Yes, I want that. So it's not always about what we say, or what was said to us or what we say to our kids. It's just, it creates these beliefs. And most people do the best they can. We want the best for our kids. But a lot of us are controlled by those beliefs. Yes. Yeah. Well, I think that's a good ending point for today. So everyone, thank you so much for being present with us. I know we talked about a lot of things today, but we're really looking forward to hanging out with you again, and we will talk soon. Bye everyone. Bye