10. Unbecoming to Become a Conscious Parent

Hi Difference Maker, sup? 

Aiiiiight, if you are a parent, you are gonna like this one.  And, hey, if you aren't a parent, you will still really enjoy it because we talk A LOT about the tools we weren't given as kiddos that NOW translate into our adult lives as we try to parent our children and/or build relationships with others. 

Ever heard of your inner child?
What about Inner Family Systems?
Ooh this is a good one, have you ever been super triggered by your child, lose your cool, and then felt shame after? 

Then ya might wanna give this one a listen. 

Please follow us on Instagram: @consciously.unbecoming.

Check out Lauren Thew's Highest and Healed Program. Spots still open for April.  Jess will be a student in this class so come learn alongside of her! 

https://my.forms.app/laurenthew/highest-healed-application-form

See you later, loves! 

With gratitude,
JV & LT 

Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

Welcome back, everyone to the consciously unbecoming podcast, where we dig deep into all of the beliefs that have been thrust upon us and decide which ones we want to keep. So we can live our life by design. I am one of your co host, Jess Vogelpohl. And I have I'm still so excited about this. I don't know if this excitement will ever wear off. But my lovely co host, Lauren, say hi. There she is, with everybody. So there you go. I couldn't hear you for a second. Awesome. Well, today we are going to dig into this concept of, of conscious parenting. And I know Lauren, you've had a lot of people just in your community bring up this topic. And both of us are parents. And I know that this is something that I deal with on the regular because it's so fascinating you trying to heal, trying to teach your children the skills and tools that you were never given as a kid and most likely are learning alongside of them. And so I don't know, like when I say conscious parenting to you, Lauren, what kind of what comes to mind. So for me, when I think of conscious parenting, I immediately think that you are aware of the effect that you have on your children. Like that, for me is what conscious parenting is is being aware that being aware of how impactful my behavior and my response and my guidance to them is and, and that is, that's immediately what comes to mind. It's not as much spiritual, although that comes into it for me personally. But it's more just like having the awareness of what's happening developmentally for children psychologically, physiologically, emotionally, having my own personal experience of trauma as a child and experiencing emotional neglect and other things to now trying to, like you said reparent myself, because I don't you have to repair it yourself, if you're trying to consciously parent your children. So that's immediately comes to mind to me, which is so which is such a scary thing. Because we think as adults, like we get to be a certain age and like we have all the answers. Now we do have all the answers, we just have to search for them inwardly. However, it gets to be complicated when your kids are constantly triggering all of the stuff that you're trying to teach them to be better with. And I find that I mean, I am no perfect parent by any means I am wonderfully flawed in a lot of different ways. However, I learned a long time ago that it's not necessarily the in the moment experience. It's not. I mean, it sucks when our amygdala gets all crazy, and it's hijacked. And we go to guide our children through something and they trigger that core wound and we lose our shit. And we know in that moment, it's almost like I always say it's kind of like dissociated where you had this glimmer of bullshit, I know I should do this, like calm, calm your butt down, but you fly off the handle anyways. But I was told a long time ago, while we should work on not losing our shit so much. And because our energy influences the children's energy. It's more about coming together afterwards. It's about having that conversation and modeling to them. Like, Hey, I know what I did right there that was on me. And I was telling my kids, you're not in charge of my feelings. You're not in charge of anyone's feelings, the way that I react to you is based on me. How do you think though, you could have reacted better? How could I have reacted better? And we try to do better? Because we know better? We do better? But it's hard. Yeah, absolutely. Well, and you think about it, like, I think the most important part of that is like none of us are perfect. Nobody's ever going to be perfect. We are re parenting ourselves. We are walking this conscious parenting path together parent and child like we're guiding each other. Um, but I feel like it is like catching yourself as soon as you can in the moment and stopping yourself because that's how you learn how to regulate yourself in the first place. We weren't modeled that as a child. And so that's why it's so hard for us to do it now as a parent. So while you are actively, almost like taking your power back, re parenting yourself and being like, Hold on. Okay, this is not how I want to react, when you're reacting in a way that you don't want to react. That's your inner child. Right? That's your inner child freaking out and having a tantrum that your child isn't listening to you, or that your child isn't able to regulate their own emotions, right? And so by taking that moment and like actively in the moment, even if it's hard, even if it's not perfect, even if it's messy. showing the child like, I can feel frustrated, I can feel anger, I can feel sadness, I can feel disappointment. And this is how mommy and daddy, this is how your parent regulates themselves. That's how they learn. You know? So it's like, yes, it's hard but being like, okay, you know what? I don't like how I just talk to you. Can we do that again? Or can we try this over? Can we have a do over? I don't like how I spoke to you, or I'm sorry, I lost my temper. That's my responsibility. And then a big one that I try to always circle back to, like you said, have you? No, you are not responsible for my emotions? Yes, I'm going to get mad. Yes, I'm going to get sad, yes, I'm going to have these emotions. But it's okay. First of all, it's okay to have these emotions. I'm okay. When I have these emotions, it's not your responsibility. And I love you unconditionally. So it doesn't matter if I'm mad, it doesn't matter if I'm sad, you're still loved. And this is something that I can work through. And it's not your fault. Now, I think the biggest mind shift for me was understanding, I don't need to punish my children, I need to teach them consequences. Tell me more, because I'm really struggling with this with our seven year old. So like punishment is, is for me, it seems less helpful. Whereas understanding that consequences are just a natural thing that happens with action, and everything has a consequence. And so depending on the consequence you want, you can think about, okay, well, if I do this, what is the consequence that I know happens? Like, if I don't put on my shoes in the morning? Or if I don't brush my teeth, then what is the consequence? Well, over time, you're going to get a capital letter over time, you know, so the common breath is going to be rank. Right? Exactly. And I kind of, I allow my children to I allow my children to say no, to me, I allow my children to make decisions for themselves. Because if I don't teach them that they can make decisions for themselves now, how are they going to as an adult? Now I try to guide them. Right. But again, I in guiding them, I help them understand you may get a consequence that you don't like out of that button. Sometimes they need to experience the consequence themselves. Just to just figure out oh, well, yes, everything does have a consequence. And yes, I could do this, but I don't like what comes after it. So maybe I'll do this thing instead. That I That's great three year old, and she gets consequences. So so tell us what I would like to focus back on one something you just said there because I thought it was such a beautiful quote. And I'm gonna I don't think I wrote it down. But he said consequences are natural actions to our reactions. Is that what you said? Well, consequences are the natural. I can't remember what word I said. Exactly. But it's yes, I can listen to it again, natural reaction or the natural thing, like every what is it? Um, there's some law, right? Every action has an opposite reaction. So everything has a consequence, it's just a natural thing to decisions or actions that are made consequences are good and bad to exactly, exactly that just a badly. Well, well, and I, I just took down so many notes as you were talking. Yes, my Notepad is covered in bananas. Feels like that says a lot about me. And but it's a it's it is it's very difficult. I'm walking that line up. Because I grew up in a household of constantly yelling, my parents were always yelling at each other and yelling at us. Like, that's just how it was it, things were handled. And I learned pretty quickly how to not rock the boat, which has now led to a plethora of issues growing up that just don't serve me anymore in that, in that moment, though, is a survival mechanism. Because that's what our brain is trying to teach us. How can we survive this moment, it's very scary. It's especially as a kid. And so now knowing that I sometimes think of, well, we don't want to give them a timeout, we want to give them a time in and we want to teach them and walk through all this stuff. But sometimes I think I'm too knowledgeable about the brain and spirituality and all of these things. And knowing how it can affect my kids that I almost get analysis paralysis it's like I don't want to pick the fight because I don't know how to guide that into a situation or let the consequence take place. So for example, you mentioned earlier your your kid comes home from school and they're they're mean and they're losing their shit and like I don't want this app on the check it out you it's not like that's ever happened to me before I speak seven year old child of mine. And so it's one of those situations where our brain our person is designed to add meaning to situations for meaning making machine so so to me, when she comes in with With this, like, sassy ass attitude, and I am, I immediately assign meaning to that. I immediately think well, okay, you're being disrespectful to me, you don't look at me and think I'm on my phones ring of authority, like there's all these different meanings that I'm attaching to it based on my own ego based on my own life experiences and how I color the world. But what if I just stepped back for a second didn't lose my shit used all the tools that I know. And then step back and say, Okay, well, what else could it be? Because it's probably not this little tiny child thinking, I'm gonna disrespect her authority and undermine her. Like, she probably doesn't understand that. But to her, she's feeling a lot of things. She was just at school all day where she was told to sit still. And she's got all these feelings coursing through her and she you know, she's hungry. That's the meaning that it could be. So before we lose our shit, why don't we ask, what else could it be? Because the meaning you're probably getting to it is nothing, not what's going going down? Well, 100%, what's happening is they're not able to regulate themselves, they don't have any regulation skills, their brain hasn't developed that part yet. We're the only animal on this planet that is born with our brain not fully developed yet. I actually didn't know that. Yeah, I knew we weren't fully developed. But yes, we're the only animal that is born with our brain not completely developed yet. And it doesn't finish developing till around 24 to 28 years old. So until then, our environment and modeling is incredibly important. And it's the prefrontal cortex is what isn't developed. And that's what's responsible for our emotional regulation, our response, our ability to regulate our fears, so that we don't freeze. It gives us the ability to read body language and other people's emotions and assess like appropriate time to say things or not say things like all of these different things. And so what's happening is we're expecting these children to because they're a little bit more articulate to, to we think that their brain has done developing when it is not, it doesn't know how to regulate its emotions, it they're feeling these feelings that we feel, and they have none of the tools, or sometimes the same amount of tools as we have. And so the biggest part is regulating yourself first not being reactive to your child, and then co regulation, teaching them, okay, I know how it feels to not want to eat healthy. Okay, a cake. Cake and cookies sound way better than eating a salad. Exactly, exactly. So it's kind of like meeting them in the middle. But you have to get really good at regulating yourself first, you can't regulate, you can't help someone else regulate if you're not regulated, you know? Yeah, well, and if you if you live with PTSD, if you have other things going on inside of you, your trauma is naturally lighting up your amygdala more than the sum of that hasn't experienced that. And so I talked really heavily on episode eight about what's happening in our brains when all this shit is going down. And your amygdala really does get completely lit up. And it goes crazy, when these things are happening. And all of a sudden, all all of these things are happening within our bodies. And I drives me kind of bananas. When people talk about the brain, the brain and the body being separate entities, it's all connected, it's absolutely all connected. And so when your amygdala senses, it takes in all of the extrinsic factors, and then makes a decision to then bring in your logical brain, which then says, Hey, I'm going to provide some evidence as to why you should lose your shit right now. And that's where you start assigning that meaning to it. And then we lose our shit. And then it and we regret it. And then there's this. I don't necessarily have this anymore, as often, but it definitely has, it definitely creeps in, but the guilt and shame that surrounds the way that you just treated this seven year old or this little three year old, about to be three this weekend. Oh Lord, I know. They're having a moment about it. And so it's that guilt and shame that's wrapped up in that because, you know, they didn't deserve that. And then we dwell on that for so long. And I know that there's a lot of people listening to this right now. So how would you say, What's the best way that when you lose your shit and you're feeling that guilt and that shame? To get yourself into a different state of mind? How do we cope with that guilt and that shame and kick it to the curb? So I think it is a process of dismantling the old story because what's happened is you become addicted to those emotions. And we create meaning to the outside of what's happening to us as a reason to feel the feelings we feel. Right so you're oftentimes you're losing your shit and then you're feeling guilty. is a cycle that you didn't even start? Right? This is a cycle that your parents probably didn't start. But they were in it too, which is why you do it. Right. So a big part of it is realizing, okay, this is going to take time. This is a process of dismantling these old patterns of emotions and ways of dealing with thing. And then it's practicing heavily again, self regulation. breathwork is the biggest way connecting with the body, or even connecting or doing it with the child. So connection I'm really big on even if you're mad, that's okay. Do you want me to hold you right now? Often, almost, yes. Nine times out of 10. My child will be like, Yeah, can you know and then holding them just holding them helps release the the oxytocin and the serotonin to start coming down and really co regulation again, just to try and start over, basically, but I think it's a it's about you have to recognize it. You have to regulate yourself, you have to stop those thoughts. And then you need to begin to come into harmony again, that that coherence, that heart mind, body coherence, and it's easier to do that when you're doing it together. So oftentimes, I'll ask, like, I will affirm, like, however you're feeling is okay. You're you're safe to feel that feeling. Would you like me to hold you while while you're feeling that way? And you know, and sometimes they'll say no, and I'll be like, Okay, that's fine. I'll be here until you're ready. And I will wait, I won't leave. I will just sit there with them and with myself and just breathe sometimes. If she's really mad, or they're really mad. I'll be like, smell the roses. Blow the candles. Yeah, I smell the roses. Smell your hot chocolate. Oh, it's too hot. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what we do smell the roses. Blow the candles is how I've taught my, my youngest how to incorporate breathwork when they're upset. Also, movement, right? Like yours? Are you angry? Do you need to shake it out? Do you need to stomp it out? Do you need to yell it out? Which one do you want to do? Or do you want to color? Do you want to show me what it looks like? And like, I'll do it too. This is what I feel like, I feel this way too. Oh, wow, we look similar. How interesting. You know. So it's like bringing just bringing it together and being like, and again, this is why you're re parenting yourself as you're doing this. Because while you're kind of gaining the tools and applying the tools in you're teaching them you're regulating each other. So like when I lose my stuff, like I will remove myself if I need to. But I tried more than anything to stay present and then just be like, Okay, I am getting very upset right now. I'm going to need a second. Just let me breathe. Or you know what? I think this is getting out of hand. Let's pause. Do you want me to hold you right now? Or do we need to stomp this out? Do we need to move this Is there too much? Right? So he's stomping screaming, whatever. And then being okay with what they choose? Yeah, exactly. You gotta do it. Because I mean, I have a little type a I mean I, when I coach clients do especially leaders that have teams, and they have these, these team members that are constantly coming to them asking them questions, well, you've created a culture of non problem solvers. And so one thing I tell all a lot of my clients is, tell them come to the meeting with three possible solutions for this problem. And then let's talk them through. And usually that meeting that they put on that that leaders calendar cancels because they solve their own problem. However, the one thing that most leaders have a hard time doing, and I know that I am the same way with my own team is seeing that there's a more effective and efficient way to get to solve that problem. However, we have to allow people and children and even other humans to have that autonomy over their decision making skills. And then one day it's a coachable moment, right? Where you can say, okay, hey, I love that you solved your own problem. Have you ever thought about trying it this way and getting it down from instead of taking seven steps? Let's take four. And so those are all coachable moments that that you build upon? And I know that I handle my children the best when I'm regulated like that's, I mean, that's like duh, absolutely. But my I watch it, I watched myself like getting all tense. And for me, the biggest one of my biggest tension points with the kids is if I'm in the middle of doing something and I want to complete that thing, it could be anything. It could be laundry, it could be cleaning up from dinner, it could be doing work, whatever that looks like. And they come in and they want love and attention. They don't understand necessarily like gives me five minutes when I'm doing very important work. All they know is Mom's not paying attention me this sucks and I want her and that right there that causes a little A lot of tension for myself and the kids because I just want to complete the task. And I catch myself now because now I think about what's going on in their brains while they were just at school all day. They haven't seen me they want to hug me. Let's do it. And and that's hard. It's a hard thing because I can be very Taipei and we have to just find what works for our family. I can't remember I was going with that. Or was it going with it? Oh, but my best way. And my best moments are when I see my daughter escalating, and I just dropped down to the floor, I get on her level. And I sit there with her. And let's say thing a lot of times she'll either completely keep losing it, and I will let her and I'll tell her I love you. I'm here. I love you. I'm here. And then then she gets to decide. Because she told me one day when you touch me when I'm mad, it feels like there's bugs on my skin. Yeah, like Me too. Me too. Yeah, like, I totally know that feeling. It's a that's a difficult. It's a difficult feeling. So what else? What else comes to mind when thinking about conscious conscious parenting? What about when you are trying to teach your kids breathwork or you're trying to teach them the different modalities of if you're feeling if you're feeling worked up, walk away, or go scream into a pillow or whatever that might look like. And they don't want to do it. They don't want to try anything. Nothing works. My I'm like, I don't want to do your stupid breaths. Right your tells me so funny. Thank you little peach. And again, it's it's about not forcing it on them. And what they really need more than anything is presence in modeling. Mm hmm. So being like, Okay, if you don't want to, that's fine. You don't have to, but I'm going to who I love that. Because, learn people don't learn by what you tell them. No. People learn by watching you and what you do habitually, especially children. I just think to myself, especially while you're doing this, like I just had this emotional wave come over me just thinking like, I wish somebody would have dropped down to the floor with me as a kid. I wish somebody would helped me understand and feel okay with the fact that I feel a deeper spectrum of emotions than other people do. I wish somebody explained that to me. And instead, what happened was there was yelling, I felt shame. I felt I was called sensitive. And now I'm very grateful for my sensitivity. But back then it just felt like such a detriment to like, Why do I always cry? Why is it all these things, and all these needs were not being met. And really, I refer to Maslow's hierarchy of needs a lot, because I think it's so relevant. And at the bottom of the pyramid, you have that level of safety. And this the pyramid, if you've ever seen it, listeners, if not go look it up. But But this pyramid, we go in and out of it all day, like it's not one of those things where, okay, today, like I've accomplished safety and security, it will have a thing, it's an everyday every moment, like every moment has the potential to walk up and down this pyramid, it's just a matter of are we going to do that work. And if we do the work over and over and over again, at some point, you do start to create these natural levels with your children and yourself where you are mostly safe and secure, and you are moving up and you find yourself starting at the middle of the pyramid in each moment, rather than the bottom of the pyramid. And I'm not even going to begin to explain all of the steps because it's just a lot and I don't remember it. But I just think that that's a really cool way to look at that as how are we creating that that pyramid of safety and support and love for them. Because when our kids are feeling psychologically safe, and physically safe, they're going to be able to do to regulate themselves in a way and then we're going to be able to have a good conversation about what just happened, a non judgmental one and not a one where they can ask questions and and feel like it's a safe place to do that. Because that's what we need. We need. We need more people that are are creating these these environments for the children and all of us to ask questions and to not feel judged. 100% And like I think the biggest thing is creating, letting them know that their home and or at least you as a person as a relationship are a safe space because the world is not the world is not a safe space. So you can't provide safety always or what you can provide is for the ability for your children to know what to do when when it's not an option when when things are difficult for them to be able to regulate themselves in those difficult moments. And then to be able to know you know it, it may not be easy here but I can go home and I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to be accepted and I'm going to be loved because you know in the world you can't protect your children from everything. And I think another big thing that's really important is like I grew up in a home as well that there was a lot of physical abuse. There was a lot of yelling, there's the drug use and emotional abuse, neglect, like all kinds of stuff, right. And I'm a highly sensitive person. I am, I'm an empathic person and and and right. So now I realize that some of the things like, I'm definitely I'm a neurodivergent person and I wear earplugs so much, and it helps me be more present with my kids like my kids are loud. And I didn't realize that there are sensory processing disorders. And these types of things that the loud noises, the constant touching, the constant activity can overwhelm your nervous system, which makes you more irritable, more, more difficulty to regulate your nervous system. And so as you learn more about yourself as a person, you can parent more equipped, because like earplugs for me, like, especially after I've worked all day, especially after I work with clients all day, or I teach, and then I come home, and she's excited to see me. So she's loud, and she's jumping, like I can very easily get overwhelmed. And, and me snap or something like that. So knowing that about myself taking a moment, before I go into ground, my energy to know that I need to be present, to put in my earplugs before I go in. These type of things also help, you know, and then teach the children that it's okay for you to be different. And you can, you can do what you need to do to make sure that you're comfortable in any environment. Well, I that's so funny that you say that because I wrote at the top of my list, and we started talking was talking about the loop earplugs because I thought it was so funny. That one day where I'm like, Hey, I forwarded it to you on Instagram. So I just bought these. And they're amazing. I really liked them a lot, except I lose them constantly, because they're so they're little. But these, they're these earplugs that you can put in and they really take the edge off. And they actually are marketed for Pete for parents and caregivers to help with that. Because just like you mentioned earlier, I'm the same way where my amygdala is always kind of activated. And when you have that, it's almost like you're, you're quicker to lose your shit to snap a little bit more. And so we have to find these ways to regulate our amygdala and our nervous system. So we don't do that. And for me, it's that and it's also taking a break before they come home. So I work from home primarily. And knowing that when they have to go pick the kids up, at least giving myself 15, if not 30 minutes to sit in silence or listen to something that's going to shed the negative energy of the day and prepare me from going from I'm just and I'm in this career to I'm just a mom, I'm a conscious parent, with my children. And if I don't do that, it's it's a recipe for disaster. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I'm one of those people as well. I found when I was learning more about myself, it takes me a little bit to get in and get out of certain activities. And so like, it's like, almost like you need to give yourself some energetic space and time to take off that boss lady hat. And to transition into, okay, I don't need to be in the masculine energy as much. I don't need to be so perfectionism as much like I need to allow my children to be children, and to mess up and to play. And so but there is that transition period of like, okay, well, in order to do that, to hold space for that I need to hold space for myself. They call the amygdala, the angry teenager. It's part of the limbic system, which controls our emotions, right? So regulate our emotions. And it's, it's part of the it's called hat hippo. So it's like the hippocampus. The pituitary gland, the the thalamus. Yes, the thalamus. neocortex. Nikola. Yeah, so all of these things, and what happens when we go through trauma, or if people drink a lot, or have like, you know, brain, brain damage and these type of things to any of these parts of the brain, it is much, much harder to regulate your emotions. Because you're more activated, you're more on the like, impulsive side. And the studies have shown that the only thing that helps heal that is mindfulness practices, or attuned parenting during childhood helps develop those areas of the brain. So by you practicing mindfulness and practicing the awareness and giving yourself the space, that is why it's giving you more ability to actually control and, and heal your amygdala for that angry teenager, your reactionary responses to things a little bit easier. And the more that you practice that mindfulness and presence and attuned parenting to yourself and your children, the more those parts of your brain will develop. I'm pretty amazing. It's so amazing. Also, I did Know that you were as nerdy about the brain as I am? Oh, yes, it's all like I could talk, I read neuro science textbooks for fun like a, because for me, I think there's it's just knowledge is power, like the more you know, cue the music, but it's like, knowledge is power when I know it's happening within myself, I know what's happening and others and my children, it makes it easier to see them as for the human that they are, as opposed to the lens that we're coloring them with. And I noticed too, just with with my kiddos that they're they don't know how to ask for the things that they want, in the way that we expect them to. We're trying to mold our kids to fit into this this system into society, rather than teaching society to love and, and hold our children the way that they are. And that is so terribly sad to me, like, I'm getting emotional, just thinking about all of the times not so much anymore. But all the times we have been places and I've stifled something within my child, because it's not going to be cool. For example, the thing that comes to my mind is a long time ago, my son a long time goes probably a year ago, went to go jump into a I just but I feel like in his last year I've gone through so much growth that everything feels like you know, go Yeah, AD BC like with Jesus, it's the same thing with me. I'm going to come up with with good acronyms for that, but he went to go jump in a puddle and I was like, don't jump in that puddle. Because in my mind, I'm like you're gonna Your pants are gonna get are wet, I'm gonna have to go change you, you're gonna bitch about your pants. Be aware it's gonna be this whole thing. And all I want to do is go into Lowe's and get this one piece of lumber for some stupid project, I'm probably not gonna finish. So and so he we do that. But what I just did right there was took away an exploration moment, I took away a moment of pure creativity and curiosity. And what I just inadvertently told him is, don't be curious about things don't play. Because it's more important that your pants aren't wet. As we go into Lowe's, it's more important that you look a certain way when we go in here. Because really what that looks like is if I walk into Lowe's, like let's dissect this for a second, if I walk into Lowe's, and my kid is wet, what are they gonna think of me? Right? If my kids dirty, what are they gonna think of me? Right? And so it really it comes back to that, but letting him have that moment of jump, now I do it and I have to, like stop myself from cringing, but I let them do and I let them jump in it. And I tell them, I tell them, You're gonna jump into this puddle. And it's gonna be so fun. But I want you to know, you're going to get all wet. And that might be a consequence. Yeah, that might be uncomfortable for the next three minutes. And until we can get home and I can change you. So you make the choice. And and of course, you always jumped in there. And of course, he always bitches but right after. But it's it's teaching those critical thinking skills of knowing, hey, when I do something, there's going to be either a good consequence or a bad consequence that happens. And we have to be okay with that. And I tell my tell my daughter to she was having an issue with a little boy at school, and the school handled it wonderfully. But he was getting a little touchy and a little handsy. And it was making her comfortable. And we talk very heavily about body autonomy and, you know, respecting our body and others. And so I told her, I said, if it had you used your words, have you talked to the teacher? Have you? Like, have you done all of these things? And then I told her and I'm sure there's people out here that's not going to jive with what I told her. That's fine. But I told her violence is never the answer. Unless you're protecting your body. Yeah, unless, and I tell her and I told her. Now you are at school, you're in a school setting and you are a child, I want you to know that if you hurt that person because or you push them or use your body to protect your body. You will be going to the principal's office, you will have you will get in trouble. I'm not telling you that to scare you away from doing that. But I want you to really think it through before you decide that is this something I could walk away from or is this something I truly have to stand up and use force to protect and she hasn't done it yet. She hasn't had to luckily using our words helped but it's just that those are important lessons to think them to push them through. Yeah, who I've been talking a lot with, you know that I totally agree in my now 15 year old at the time. first grader went through a similar situation, and the school didn't handle it well and I told my daughter the same thing. You know, violence is not the ever our first result but that's the part of teaching your children how the steps and escalation right teaching them critical thinking and helping them understand. And my daughter did differently. herself and she was suspended. And the teachers all knew that I supported her and her decision. You know, so because they weren't doing anything about it, and people were physically harming her. So she defended herself, and I'm proud of her for that. And I want I want my children to be those rebels that if something's wrong, or if they are if they need to defend themselves or someone else who can't, that they will not being afraid of being in trouble conditioned to being good, right? Because that's what we were conditioned to be is good, right? We have these things called nervous system patterns where people have been taught to be good, and so they're afraid to speak up. Like there was even a study done that showed that people that don't know other people will shock them if an authority tells or hurt another person, if an authority tells them to do it was the 50s or 60s. Yeah, they, they put these people in a study, right. And they said that there was another person on the other side, and every time they push the button, it would shock the other person. And I can't remember if they were actually shocking another person, or if they were playing sounds to make the person who was pushing the button. Yeah, you're shocking another person. But I'm the authority figure, the person in the white lab coat told the person, okay, increase it, shock the person again, okay, increase it, shock the person again, okay, increase it shock the person again. And the response from the person being shocked, got bigger and bigger and bigger, because the person in authority was telling the person to do it. And then it was okay. They did it. But that's because they were conditioned societally to listen to authority, and to be good and to not get into trouble. I don't want my children to be afraid of getting into trouble. I want my own children to be afraid of violating their own values and morals. I want them to be afraid of abandoning themselves, and letting other people, weaker people be harmed, or taken advantage of right, so I'm raising rebels. I don't give a crap. But I'm raising good people. Right, I'm teaching them you know, as best as I can. From my perspective, of course, you know, that the most important thing to do is what is morally right. There's no right and wrong, right, there's right for different people. But as long as you are happy, and as long as no one else is being harmed. That's what you should stand up for, you know. And so I think that's a big part of it, too. And we have to really look at like, what are we teaching our children through modeling? What are we teaching our children? Because they're our kids, or our who, first of all our kids are, who are going to take care of us when we're all invalid? Right? And second, they're going to be the ones who are running the world. Soon. Absolutely. So it's like, whatever world if we keep creating children who just listen, and are just good, then we're going to have a bunch of followers, we're going to have a bunch of people who look to somebody else to tell them their truth. And I don't, no one else can tell your truth. But But you, you know, so, yeah, well, on that topic. Yeah, I think it's, um, that's, that's so true. And you just really sparked so many things with me that I just want to start implementing into my day to day with my children, because that's absolutely, that's absolutely true. And I'm the same way I don't want my kids to, I want my kids to be compassionate, compassionate humans that are giving freely giving love in the world and, and living their most authentic selves, but I don't want my kids to fit. Honestly the standard right now that that society is built for people, like I don't want that I don't want that for my kids. I don't want them to, to be running and gunning and stepping all over people and, you know, treating Mother Earth terribly, and all of these things, I want them to do something differently. And unfortunately, there's a lot of bravery that has to come with that there's a lot of resilience, that we have to teach kids at a at an early age to be able to do that. And I will say that's something that I've always not always but I've had that within me where I'm okay with going against the crowd. I'm okay with all these things. Now, I don't think growing up I've necessarily felt that way. Like being kind of a loner and always kind of on the outskirts. I always felt like I was friends with everyone but I never really felt like I fit into a group. Just this this constant outsider and I'm okay with that. I was totally okay that but but it just didn't feel that way. Like I just didn't necessarily know what I was doing at that time. I didn't know that. What I was saying is I'm okay with not following crowd. I didn't know what that meant. And so it's just language that I wish that that all kids have. And you said something earlier that reminded me of attachment styles that are are created when we are young children. And there's a couple on Instagram that I follow. And she is a couple's counselor or something. But they do all these really fun reels, just talking about the different attachment styles. And so you know, avoidant attachment style, I can't even think of all of them. Do you know, off the top your head? Oh, yeah. So there is secure, avoidant, anxious and organized, which is like, can't maintain. Yes, and, and what's really cool is, even though these types of attachment styles are colored within us already, like they've already been created, because of how we were raised, how we see the world that just denotes a snapshot in time. Like, we can change those, we can change our attachment style, and get into that secure attachment. And but the problem is, we're constantly seeking extrinsically, we're constantly trying to find ways to find security in other people in situations in money in, in all these things. And we're not going inward. And so it's teaching our kids first off, like, let's give them a secure attachment style from an early age. But history and just common sense shows us that somehow somewhere, we're gonna fuck them up somehow. And so it's just a matter of are we teaching them the critical thinking skills to then be able to then seek out one day the mindfulness they need to to change who they are? Mm hmm. What else would you say kind of just summing, summing this up and I guess about how to heal while teaching your kids the same techniques that you never got. But that also Oh, actually, before we go there, I just thought about have you seen that meme? Where it is? Like this line of people? I think, yeah, I think I saw you post it, but it's, I'm yelling, the first person's yelling at the this generation, the next generation, and then the person's yelling at the next generation. And then finally, a generation is looking in the mirror. Uh huh. And then they have the kid in front of them. And then the next one is them hugging them. And I think it's just, it's what you said earlier about, we've learned how to parent from our people that we were parented by. And growing up we have within us and I'm very into inter family systems. And the dynamics within us is if you you have this board of directors within you, you have all of these different ages and stages of use, I look at myself, and I think there's, I was, I had, some things happen to me when I was younger. So I have a five or six year old little girl in there. So like the preteen and the teenager, in the college age student, all that make up my personality. And there's a lot of things that I see that my daughter does, that pokes those, those little insecurities within me, and pokes that little girl are poked in, and I thought the other day just randomly. I wonder if the reason and I love I'm obsessed with my daughter, I think she is. I'm really proud of her. She is not she takes no shit. She tells me No, she is so strong willed and beautiful. But it just sucks as being her parent right now with that. But I think that she triggers me more than my three year old, because I think she should know how to handle herself. And you should know your first grader, your seven. And then also I see my little girl like myself in her. And I don't I'm working on this. I don't know if it's jealousy. I don't know if it's what it is. But she triggers me. And I wonder if I get a little bit jealous that she has a parent that wants to help her navigate the world. And I did it. And I don't want to I don't think it's jealousy. But I do think there's something there's something in my shadow. That is what's not resonate. What is it when you like, resent there's some level of resent deep down there. And that's a very vulnerable thing to say in front of a bunch of people that don't know me. But there's something with me, I wonder that resents the secure household that she's growing up in? That I didn't have? Mm hmm. Now, shall I start crying? Well, okay, so this makes sense, right? Not only do you have an inner child, but you have an inner parent, and an inner parent, oftentimes until you dismantle it is a reflection of the parent that you've had. So now this inner parent that is in control of your inner child is now walking and talking and trying to act as the parent for your other child. So even though she has a secure attachment, it doesn't mean that she doesn't need to be shown and taught things. So these were expectations that were put on you as a child that you should just know things. And so that's you should know better. Yes, you should just know this. And so because you feel that way about yourself because you were taught that about your inner child. That is the feeling that's why you feel that way now, towards your child. That's not how aligned you feels. That's not how awake and empowered, aware, you feel that's how wounded you feels. And that's just what you were taught. And so that's an expectation that now you are unconsciously putting on your daughter, which then makes you feel like, Oh, well, she had it so good. Like, why doesn't you know? And I didn't. But that's that's just, that's not real, if that makes sense. Like, that's totally not real. It's absolutely not real. And and what I just went through there, if anyone is is picking up on it, Laura and I talk a lot about shadow work and, you know, going in, I was asking myself the other day, why does she trigger me so much? Like, why do I have to use all of my tools constantly prefer to stay a conscious parent, and that is what came to me. And that's not a good feeling. That is a gross, shitty feeling that I don't like about myself. However, I can't heal what I don't know. And so if I'm not asking myself these questions, I cannot heal that to guide her in a better way. And so, I am encouraging you and almost pleading with everyone listening, that if there's things that you're doing, and editor coming out in your parenting, ask yourself the hard questions of where they're coming from. Because if you're not gonna like the answer, you're not gonna like it, I can almost guarantee it. But we have to have that bring that knowledge to the forefront to be able to integrate it into our parenting. You have any any final thoughts? Any any techniques on on regulation? Or what are your final thoughts before we jump out of here, my final thoughts are my favorite thing. The thing that I'm going to tell you for every single problem that you have is breath, work, breath, work, breath, work, breath, work, breath, work, breath, work in the moment, breath, work, daily breath work, when you wake up, breath, we're brand new trigger triggered, breath work after triggering moment, before an important meeting before Hard Talk. And then also learn, continue to learn continue to seek out resources to learn new tools and new ways of parenting, conscious parenting. I always say like, we're all on social media, go delete five accounts that stress you out, make you feel less than make you feel jealous make you compare, and go five, find five accounts that are going to give you something. Okay, conscious parenting, look up hashtags, conscious parenting, re parenting, healing, you know, awakened. And parenting, I don't know, right? Like, just look up things. And then I have some great books that I would highly recommend. The absent father is a really good one. I'm trying to see if I have any of my mind. The absent father. What I would add is the whole brain child. I love that one. Yes. There's I learned more about myself. My kids. Don't send me my mother one here, but there's one for mother as well. Um, and I will. I'll get that to you. And maybe we can tag it in the post or something. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say maybe we can find a collection of all of our favorite books and just put it out there. But absolutely. And I think we could do like a whole section or whole episode on breathwork. Because honestly, it's not something that I've really put into my practice, like I do the breath work when I'm angry. And I my big thing is I like to do the, you know, inhale for five, pause for five, let it go for five and there's all different numbers of how long you can hold it for that correspond with what you're trying to get out of that breath, work. My practice, however, that one just the easiest for me, because I can remember it. And so we have to find what works, but I think that that could be a good episode, but I think we're we're gonna wrap it up. Awesome. Thanks, everyone, for being here. We're really grateful. And we're so excited to for you to jump into the next episode. I also oh, gosh, it's just totally came to me. I'm so spazzy today, y'all. I'm I have to sign up for highest and healed. Yes. Right. Yeah. So that's, that's Lauren's amazing program. And this is a newer program, new ish progress that we launched it in January. So it's going to go through its second iteration starting in April. I mean, I'm just saying y'all a minute, so but I don't like what do I need to do? Because I haven't I'm, I've been avoiding it in terms of because I know it's gonna heal me so well, but like, what do I need to do? Yes, yes. So in order to get in first you need to apply. And so I will send you the link directly. But for those if you're interested in applying and joining with us, we just have a few spots left, you need to apply that just has some basic questions to let me know like where you're at what you're working with to make sure that you're actually a good fit for what this is, for the program you and I know that this is a good fit for you. But it's called the highest and healed because it is deep shadow work and spiritual mentorship to help you he'll deeper to help you get in on the shadow work to help you start awakening and, and growing more developing more become more self aware. But then also for you to be able to share that with others if you so choose or be able to apply that in your life, whether that be through business or just through, you know, living your life in a more aligned way, helping others heal around you by your example. But so definitely applying and then the next step is, if you are approved, if it's kind of worked, and we're aligned, I'll reach out to you and you do your deposit to save your spot. And then we'll sign you up for your payment plan. Which is awesome. bi weekly or monthly. Yeah, well, that's good. That's cool. Because there's, I mean, there's might let's be honest, like money is, we all have something, we all have something, something tied to money, that's negative, right? And so I love that you're being cognizant of that and giving people options for doing that. But this is really exciting because I love the fact just from what I've heard you talking about is, is building in almost finding your group of people that are yours and building weaving in and, and meeting because I know when I've gone through the Muny key with you the friendships that I've built out of that and like the the level of support with a bunch of like minded people that I never, I mean, in our in our movie key group, there's a gal from Australia, like when I've ever had in Canada, like women I've ever had access to some like these types of people in this type of setting and it's just it's really cool. So I encourage everyone if you are interested to sign up and then you can walk I'll be in your group too. And you can walk through it with me and learn all my deep dark secrets. But also if if you guys can do us a big favor go onto Instagram and follow us at consciously dot fun becoming that will be really awesome. We are building our following you're building our community, your phone and DMS say hello. Yeah say hi to us and we really will talk back and we'll do a good job of letting you know when Lauren's responding or when Jess is responding but we will and we wish you well and get out get after it you conscious parents and difference makers. We love you love you. Goodbye. Bye